Walking the Walk

In each stage of life I've experienced I've aimed at becoming who God has called me to be. I've reached high, decided to follow my dreams, and become someone whose name is worth remembering. What I hadn't realized throughout all of the attempting to become is how I didn't want to go the extra mile. I didn't want to feel the pain at the deepest level. I was working continuously at a surface level. Admitting my pain, doing work that was easy for me to grasp, and never holding the hand of sorrow with confidence that one day I'd let it go. I ran from pain because I couldn't see my way through it. It takes a bold, strong, compassionate, person that mirrors what you desire to be to pull you out of your mess, put you in front of a mirror and show you the mess that's stained the very threading of your clothes. That person calls up the Queen in you that lost herself under all the rubble and requires that she clean herself and take position on her throne.
The queen, in the midst of cleaning herself and taking the advice, is  experiencing the freedom as she's cleansing each part of herself. The dirt and grime, she peels it off layer by layer, and hates it. But the work.... The work must be done.

I didn't realize the excuses I made. I didn't pay attention to the cushion I was creating for others in my life, making my reality a miserable one. I couldn't see clearly that I was loving, caring, and helping others, without ever giving that to myself. I needed that experience of love for myself and I neglected myself.
Wow! What an admission right?
To finally see that the weeds that had been blocking your path for years, through failed attempts, through ugly mistakes, were weeds grown from your emotional garden. They weren't weeds planted by anyone else. I'd never tended my garden with intent, I hadn't raked the fall leaves from it, never protected the flowers from frost, and only pulled up what was easy to reach, and I expected it to grow up into something magnificent. My weeds were so high I couldn't see through to the other side. I couldn't see. That reality saddens me. I have written many an  inspirational moment, spoke to a few different crowds, and even encouraged myself about going the extra mile. I talked the talk. I walked only on the surface though..... I hadn't fully engaged myself with myself in a way that pulls up the weeds so that they never find themselves there again. I hadn't tended my garden well and as a result the beauty was covered, the ability to grow was stifled, and the joy of living was smothered.

Since seeing this and meeting the Queen who was bold enough to talk to me like my garden was already pruned, I'm ready to sweat and get these weeds out. I'm ready to clear the path for more growth, and more healthy seeds, rose bushes, and lilies. I'm ready to sit upon my throne with my regal crown, glittering in excellence!

My stomach turns even now to think of the choices I have to make, but I think of a quote from the movie Creed, in so many words, Rocky Balboa says to Adonis Creed, "the person in the mirror is your only opponent, the guy across from you, he's just in way.... get him out of the way.....". I'm my only opponent, anything that comes along my path is just something there to bring out something in me. I choose if I'm winning or losing but I'm not to get hung up on the thing, the journey isn't about the thing, it's about me.

Becomer's, I've said many of times this road won't be easy....it's the truth if nothing else is, but as my favorite Les Brown says, "It's necessary", and it's worth the freedom.

Keep pushing until the end. No one holds us back but ourselves. Let's walk the walk!

30 Things: In honor of Invisible Illness Awareness Week

I've shared with my readers several times I'm an undiagnosed diva without a cause. I have not shared what doctors suspect and what I do lean toward as I'm in this journey. In honor of Invisible Illness Week I'm sharing 30 Things about myself and the suspect illness! I'm sharing as well my dealings with Trigeminal neuralgia. If you suffer from a chronic or invisible illness share and support fellow spoonies! To understand spoonies please Google spoon theory.
Without further delay here are my 30 Things!!!

30 Things About My Invisible Illness You May Not Know

1. The illness I live with is: Trigeminal Neuralgia and suspected Multiple sclerosis.
2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: ....October 2014 I was diagnosed with TN. After TN, which is a first sign in some patients with MS, other symptoms followed. I haven't had an official MS diagnosis because even though I'm highly symptomatic I have to meet certain criteria and docs are reluctant. I've been getting test, for what will be a year in October, that eliminate diseases that mimic MS.
3. But I had symptoms since: I recall years ago thinking I suffered a stroke. My face was numb, my arms were weak, shortly after I begin developing terrible migraines. I'd say it's been at least ten or 15 years I've had episodes of numbing and itching, weakness and dizziness. I never ever thought it was MS and docs chalked it up to migraines. Trigeminal Neuralgia started in July 2014. I thought it was tooth pain because it started like a dull ache in my gums. But it started to increase. It was beyond any pain medication that could be prescribed. Dentist called it an unusual pain.
4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: With TN I've had to be careful when eating. To much pressure causes electrical like zaps to shoot across my face. It's very painful and often times I don't finish my meal because of it. I have to take caution when ppl kiss my cheek, when I brush my teeth, and when wind blows. All of those things bring pain. With MS symptoms I've really had to adjust. I've cried and felt like I've lost something. I'm getting creative though. I can't let it win!
5. Most people assume: I think ppl see me upbeat, talking, smiling and I'm ok. They don't see the days when I have to go pee several times a day because my bladder is weak, or when I'm trying not to smile to hard because TN might shock me. Ppl can't see when my muscles are tightening, and how painful that is. So they assume I can carry on normal everyday activities and not be affected because I don't look sick.
6. The hardest part about mornings are: THE PAIN! I try to stretch throughout the day. My everything hurts.
7. My favorite medical TV show is: Grey's Anatomy!!
8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: ...oh don't have many gadgets. When my hands are weak I use hubby or kids hands!
9. The hardest part about nights are: Trying to go to sleep, and stay sleep. I have a lot of hand tremors at night to. They wake me up at times.
10. Each day I take pills & vitamins. (No comments, please) Antidepressants , Anticonvulsant 8x per day (for TN it's the only thing that helps control the nerve pain. Normal pain meds don't cut it). Migraine meds to. I can go a long time with a headache if I don't catch them fast enough. And I usually take Biotin a B vitamin that supports hair growth. Because of nerve damage my hair doesn't grow well in a specific spot.
11. Regarding alternative treatments I: have tried meditation, acupuncture, cannabis oil, essential oils, and herbal tea. Essential oils are my favorite!
12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: ahh maybe invisible because even though I want hugs and love sometimes I don't want ppl to look at me and feel completely sorry for me. Then Idk I don't want either...as I think about it I just don't think you could choose.
13. Regarding working and career: The fatigue was so debilitating I had to resign from my job. I was a case manager working with at risk kids. I enjoyed my work.
14. People would be surprised to know: I'm pretty open I'm not sure there are any surprises!
15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: I have gained weight! Mobility issues keep me from engaging in exercise like I used to. I want to learn to swim. They say water exercise is better, less impact on the muscles.
16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: live with it! I didn't know how life would be. I'm living it and I'm finding new ways to do things.
17. The commercials about my illness: Aren't there. No commercials exist for TN. There aren't many for MS either. I hope that changes!
18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: running!!!! Exercise causes pain, fatigued muscles, and weakness.
19. It was really hard to have to give up: my work!
20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: um haven't developed a hobby yet... I'm stay at home mom now with four children so I'm still busy. I guess on down time I binge on Netflix.
21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: Go have fun with my family!!!
22. My illness has taught me: To be GRATEFUL. To LOVE. To be patient. To slow down. To be honest about how I feel. To trust the Spirit instead of man.
23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: oh well my legs hurt to....oh well hunni go take some ibuprofen, and my religious friends...don't claim that sickness!!! Lol it's not good with my mind to pretend I don't feel what I'm feeling. I've done what I can do in the prayer department. All I can do now is trust the process.
24. But I love it when people: say, "I'm sorry that has happened to you", or "Let's focus on what you can do", or when people just treat me normal and they don't make a huge fuss...
25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: The belief that God will get glory from my life. That someone will be touched through my experience. That I still have purpose. Even with this shift my purpose still remains. No quote just those truths.
26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: Be patient with yourself. Be frank with people about how you feel with their comments. And be your own health advocate. No one knows your body like you and if your doctor can't get on board fire him and get a new one!
27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: The increased love and openness others do share with you. Oh and how I get over things so quickly now. Some things are so small in relation to having zaps shoot through your face or muscle tremors at night!
28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: visit me.
29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: I understand what it feels like to feel invisible.
30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: respected! 

Thank you my butterflies! Until next time keep becoming.....

Are We Really Ready for Commitment?

 Yesterday I was down. I'm coming up on a year of dealing with undiagnosed illness. Doctors have yet to tell me what it is. So one could imagine having to go through aches, pains, and health scares everyday of their lives with no definitive answers to the questions asked toward medical professionals.
I have been depressed some days and angry on others. Some days I have no idea how I feel.....
I spoke with one of my best friends today and through that conversation I was reminded of a word I became more acquainted with over the last two years. That word is commitment. I've become aware that I wouldn't commit to many things out of fear. That fear almost ruined meaningful relationships. That fear almost ruined me also. So I decided to commit. To stick by friends, family, & goals no matter how much it hurt or became uncomfortable.
Being sick for a year with no relief and no idea! Can cause you to want to give up, it's drives you to desperation, it makes you angry, and it makes you dread living. My commitment has been to pursue my goals, to lead people from dark places, to rise above all circumstances, & to help others see how to get through. Commitment requires you to remain in a situation or relationship despite the hurt feelings or issues that may arise. I'm not talking extremes such as abuse but I'm talking still holding on, pursuing purpose, being a giver of life, light, & love even when those things no longer make sense to you. Because those things, that light, is growing dim, and the love, you can't feel, and your belief starts to be challenged by what you see all around you. The thing that's required of you is commitment. Stay the course, keep the faith, push forward, rest if you have to but see the project through. That light will shine again and the love you need will appear at the right moment. It'll carry you. It'll uplift you and act as a bridge to get you from one side to the other. One day we'll leave the pain of the situation and walk into our victory.  It's only if we stay committed. Don't give up just yet. Stay committed.

Much love butterflies.....My eyes are getting tired. I need to rest now. Stay committed!!!!

Into The Storm

When I started this blog, I thought, "share my thoughts, how I overcome life's circumstances and, encourage someone along the way". 
I usually am cognizant of the spiritual concept that whatever you speak you may be tested in. I don't know where exactly I learned that but as I go through life I can remember giving advice and then shortly after having to use the advice I'd given. 
Over the last year or two I've been pushed to my limits, I've questioned everything about myself until it hurts, and I've found myself here writing to you yet again about how to overcome. 
Sickness, financial difficulty, relationship issues, sick parents and siblings, my faith and perhaps yours has been tested over and over again. If you reading this and you're anything like me, it hasn't let up much to give you breath. 
Today I write because I see myself in the midst of the storm. Right under the clouds, under the pouring rain, thunder pounding like the sound of a racing heartbeat, I'm in the middle of the action. It's pretty loud, and I'm seeking shelter. It's to loud. It's as if I have an awful migraine and the light and sounds around me are turned on extra bright and the volume is extra loud. I can't stand it. So I'm moving away. I'm backing off. I'm moving away from it all to a place that is safe for me. A place where I can hear myself and God only. A place where I can retreat away from the world, hear nothingness and love it. A place where I can get away from the world and all if it's troubles because they indeed are to great for me to carry. 
I've been debating world news, others people's problems, and discussing doc visits, and life's problems. I've kept the faith and prayed for others during that time. I think I have done to much at times, risking my own spiritual and mental health. 
It's important butterflies to take time for yourself. We don't do it often enough, us caring, devoted, friendly, loving people. We pour out even when we are tired of it all because we desire to help others. We neglect our own needs in order to fulfill the mission of caring for others. 
Doing this makes you sick. Makes you look at others with anger because you didn't tell them you were tired and needed a break from their life. I can't be that person all of the time. I can't be a superhero without refueling, without taking time off from saving the day. I will always be in the midst of the storm if I don't back away. 
I think after taking this time of no phone calls, reading, and resting, I'll be rejuvenated and I'll be ready to face the world again. But first I need to empty all the garbage I've been filled with. I need to release burdens and give everything over to God. It's not mine to carry. 

It's a hard thing in becoming to shut off the noise of life's storm's but it's a necessity if you are to survive.....live, until the storm is over. And it'll be over for you. The noise will disappear. The thunder will

cease and the rain will stop. In the meantime rest and when you awake it'll be over. 

From The Heart

Hey Butterflies!

Today this entry is more selfish than previous ones. Whereas I've written about my journey and the nuggets of wisdom I've gained from them, this entry will be just me pouring my thoughts out. For months now as I have been writing, Facebook-ing, and THINKING about, many of you know I've been dealing with an illness that has yet to have been diagnosed. No treatment but plenty of symptoms.

I am sad.

I wake up feeling fine. I wake up saying to myself I'm going to make the best of the day. I wake up saying no matter what I'm going to do the best I can. After an hour or so has passed I'm terribly sad. I try to trace the sadness back to a particular thought or a particular video I may have watched while going over the morning news, (Facebook feed). I try to think over my morning and think what could have triggered me to fee this way and I can find none. I've been depressed in the past. I've had bouts of depression. I know when I'm getting sad and its mostly within the same time of the year. I understand why I feel that way when I do. Or when my monthly cycle hits, I know why I feel angry or irritated and I don't want to be bothered. I understand those chemical imbalances. I understand those REASONS.

I can only say that after almost 3 months of enduring an unknown sickness that has stopped my life in its tracks, I'm depressed. How in the hell did I reach this place? Maybe by reading daily about what my symptoms could possibly be the result of. Maybe by feeling pain, fatigue, and changes in my body on a daily basis that have no explanation. Maybe because of the course of dis-ease itself.

I have had several other major life issues since then. I have something I have to let go, not get involved in or, think carefully about. I haven't been out with my friends.I have to be very thoughtful  of how much I pack my day with because here lately just going grocery shopping warrants a nap. Not because I'm lazy but because my body can't pull the weight it feels.

I am sad because I'm sick. Because I don't know which way to go with my life at the moment. Its as if I'm here . and my dreams are way________________________________________________ over here. I can't swim, walk across, pray, fast, run, type, search, do anything in this moment to get from one end of this gap to the other. I'm waiting.

Boy have I relied on the scripture that talks about how patience produces character. I hurt right now people. I feel a burden that I've never carried before. I have no idea what to do with myself because of it. I talk to people daily who are sick, who suffer from different illnesses. How they live in spite of the illness I haven't totally understood yet.

I'm sure that purpose has to be understood and found in this place. Mine isn't all together lost but I have to find out where to detour because the way that I was originally going to take, I can't go. At least not right now.

I wish things were different. I wish that straight out of college my degree was paid for, released to me and I could have accepted the state job that was waiting for me when I graduated. Instead I had to detour because I owed the school money. I still do. A balance I can't afford. So I can't have my degree. I have to take jobs that don't challenge me in the areas that I need it to. I can't take jobs that cause me to grow as a person. And now, who even knows if I'll be able to work. If I did how effective would I be?

It seems at this time. Life has handed me a crazy hand. My friend says your life is interesting... I love color, I could use a little less of the black and grays. At this moment I need sunshine and lots of it. I need to grow despite this mess going on.... I'm not sure what to do y'all but I'm hoping that I come to a conclusion. A point which helps me as I continue to try and link my dreams with reality.

Thanks for reading!

Like most of you my dears... I'm still becoming. And I guess without intending to teach a lesson... you will see on the journey to becoming you will have days like this...

In Limbo

Over the last few weeks it's no secret that I have endured a few health issues that have yet to be diagnosed. It is no surprise that I'm often frustrated with the pain I feel and with the lack of answers I have. 

Today I saw a neurologist. I went to this neurologist thinking, "Surely I'll get some answers today!". I was nervous but excited that I'd finally gotten around to a doctor that just may understand my pain and know how to best serve me. I thought that I'd finally get to the bottom of this mysterious illness and be able to get treatment for whatever it is that has slowly interrupted my life. 

Instead I received a paper with a list of test the doc wants me to receive. A list of blood work and another MRI that I need performed to rule out all of the dis-eases it could be or could not be. I have to submit myself to more needles and tightly enclosed spaces until the results decide whether I have any of the listed dis-eases or not. 

I was angry. I was hurt. I did not get what I expected. Instead I got a fast talking doctor who no doubt was an expert in his field but didn't realize I was a human being whose life has been turned completely around due to a mysterious illness. He didn't sense the fear I felt, nor the anxiety that pumped along with the beat of my heart. He didn't see the courage it took to not call him and say I cancel the appointment and I refuse to take a chance of discovering another life altering health scare. He didn't see that I had to have the guts to invite a friend with me who would be allowed into a very sacred place in my life in order for me to feel okay to even go on this doctor visit. He simply didn't see. 

There I was sitting in this room with no life except for a picture of three girls sitting by a peaceful river. This painting situated in a room where I felt no peace. I worried. I felt full of emotion. I was afraid of the unknown and even though I prayed and had several pray for me, my uncertainties remained. I wasn't sure how I would walk out of that hospital. I had no idea what would be said to me and I wasn't prepared for the doctor to tell me that he had no idea what it was. He said plainly, "It doesn't matter what I think. The test is what tells you what you have". I just wanted closure, as my friend clearly understood as she tried offering words to comfort me. I wanted something to help me understand my life at this point. Why am I suffering this? What is this? How do I treat it? What does this mean my quality of life will be like? So many questions and no clear answers offered except, "What I can tell you is I'm going to run the necessary test until we can figure out what it is and treat it". 

As you can imagine I was very enthusiastic! NOT! I cried. I was angry. I was frustrated. I was sure I understood my symptoms better than the doctor. I have researched my symptoms. I have compared them to other diseases that mimic what I thought it could be. I can't see it being anything else. I'm sure of what I think it could be. It means nothing without test to confirm. 

So I walked away realizing that the magic word, the spiritual nugget, the word for the day was WAIT. Oh, there is a scripture I love that I mention often when going through things. That scripture says, " 3Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us". 

This scripture reminds me of who I aspire to be, not only strong, but a woman who can and will endure, a woman who has good character, and a woman who can see that after having endured, I saw the change that endurance brings about and it makes me hopeful for the future. 

Oh but the waiting! The frustration of waiting. When you don't know what the answer is. When you don't know what the symptoms mean. When you don't know what the doc thinks. When you don't know why exactly this thing is happening to you. All you can do is  wait. No answers are coming. No one has the right thing to say. God isn't revealing anything huge. All you can do is wait. 
It sucks! But the truth is its building your endurance. Because you've learned to endure it strengthens your character. Because you can see yourself uphold good character you have hope! When you've stood the test, didn't buckle under pressure, didn't take the easy way out, it says something about who you are. It also says that to yourself, "If I can handle this, maintain integrity and endure, then surely I can do that with other challenges". I believe this challenge for me will  make others easy. 

But OHHH the waiting! 

Today when I asked for prayer. One of my Facebook friends said to me, "Sharhonda don't you worry about anything. You just walk out of there the same way you walked in, and that's Strong." With strength and courage I walked into that doc office. I left feeling defeated but by the end of it I found my strength again.

In waiting I have to trust that the process is going as it should. I have several worries but each day requires prayer to help me follow the lead of the Spirit. It will take me time to get used to the way life is now. Prayerfully the test will come back and I'll get answers. Until then.... may patience have her perfect work.

Thanks for going along this journey with me Becomers! I'm often ranting but I hope that you find hope in my post. I hope that you can see that no matter what, I'm fighting to stay positive, to manifest my dreams, and to inspire others. If I'm not doing those things I'm not living my purpose. I am destined to live! Live on purpose!

So if you are in LIMBO Becomers, don't rush through it. I"m sure there's much to be learned in that place. Embrace it. Hold on for dear life. Endure and take it one day at a time. Soon enough the answers you seek will come froth.

I love you all!

Thanks for reading!!!!!

My Truth.

After being diagnosed with Trigeminal Neuralgia in October 2014. I really set out to discover the spiritual significance of my experience with a rare but painful illness.
I learned things about myself that made a difference in who I am and how I present myself to the world. I'm still becoming in that area.

Over the last six months or so I have developed an even stranger illness that effects various parts of my body in different ways, and at different times of the day. It has no preference of which symptom I'll experience when, it just comes and goes as it pleases.

During the course of feeling the way I have I've head to really explore the things I've said to others during times of grief or illness. I'm now in that very place I've attempted to help others become strong in. I've tried to comfort others and assist them in making it through their hardships with good intentions. I look back and wonder if there were times where my words did more damage than good.

I write this blog post today because I have to be honest about my truth. I write because the good intended words of comfort I have received sometimes sting more than they comfort. In the moment when you are confused and hurt, people come to you with words they think will encourage because its scripture.  People question your spirituality when you are sick. They conclude that you are far away from God and there's something that you need to do in order to be well. People jump right in to fix you because obviously your ailment has to do with some sin you have committed against God.

I could rant on these ideals forever, but allow me to interject the positive. People do their best to comfort you. To assist you through your hard times. They really want you better and often times they have no idea what to say. I had to take responsibility for my healing in these moments. I can't play the victim. I have to be proactive and say, "can you please not tell me that everything is okay because obviously its not okay right now". I have to make mention, "I know that God heals but in this moment this is what I feel and how I am coping right now". I have to let others know that "I don't want you calling me on the phone and telling me not to claim a sickness that I can clearly feel and see, it makes me crazy". *You can laugh because I did* :)
 For people who may be enduring anything in life, not just sickness, but any trial that is known to man, such as losing a loved one or suffering divorce; You can't not allow others to dictate the way you cope, or dictate the path you take to your healing. As my dad has taught me, that is between you and God.

For instance, I  had trouble forgiving a family member who did me wrong. I did not understand the depths of forgiveness and what to do until I read The Wisdom of Forgiveness by  Dalai Lama. I didn't find myself able to forgive until it was explained to me through the reading of this book. That was my pathway to forgiveness and I absolutely believe that was the path God lead me on. Others who don't believe in Buddhism or Hinduism may have shunned my reading of the book. However had I not picked it up I wouldn't have understood Jesus teachings as I had.

What I have chosen through prayer and thought is that my spirit, personality, soul, and mind and this sickness I'm battling is occupying the same space. Much like the t.v., the couch, and the coffee table are all in the living room. I am affected by what is in my environment. To say that I have nothing, that I'm not "claiming it" isn't reality to me. It makes me feel crazy. Something is here with me. I am acknowledging that fact. That's real to me. That makes sense in my natural mind.

In my spiritual mind. I believe in healing. I also see hundreds of people in the world who aren't healed in an instant and to me that is OK. No devil is occupying their space. No darkness is living with them. Has anyone thought of how that makes a person feel or think when these things are said? Of course bible stories have spiritual truths in them but I believe people skip them. I don't think they see and understand on the level that it takes to really truly and effectively change and impact someone's life.
People often take each story literally and then apply them to others lives not understanding that when you do not use these stories correctly they can do damage. So while it is important to take responsibility over your own healing, it is also important to be aware of others feelings, state of mind, and spiritual walk when attempting to help them.
Often times I've found listening helps more than anything. Being there is enough. Offering a service assist in getting well.

My truth. I'm living in the same body as an illness. It has effected my way of life. I would like to be healed. However people get sick everyday. I do believe its part of earth, its part of nature because one thing the bible does say that death worketh in us. In our bodies. It doesn't mean I'm dying today. It only means that this body will not be in a state of perfection everyday or any day of my life...... Our fleshly bodies do not live forever. Our spirits do. I do also believe that often times we may not be healed because contrary to popular belief God's will could be something very different than we think it is. He's loving. He's also not superman. He's not saving the day every time a villain comes along. We are responsible for ourselves in this earthly realm. Everything I can do to make sure I'm healthy is up to me! Instructions have already been given. So its my part to use this opportunity, YES, this OPPORTUNITY, to get it right. To do what I can on my end to make sure I'm healthy.

My healing is deeper than surface bodily healing. I think if any glory God will get from this its my ability to still hold on to his unchanging hand as I battle this condition. If he gets glory its in the fact that I gained spiritual nuggets and became closer to him as I continue on this journey. I'd rather grow from this than present a miracle of healing that others will see but not understand. It's a sacrifice but its worth it. That others may know God at a greater capacity than they have ever before. So that people may know truth deeper than they've ever known it. I'd rather do that than be a walking miracle that others will forget within a month.

Everyone deals with problems different. I choose to be realistic. It saves me the mysterious, smokey filled room in which I have to comb through riddles. I like to see it for what it is. I like to face the mountain head on. I like to fight through it. I may win some. I may lose some. Ultimately however, I believe having done the work, I can be a better human being. I will also have made a difference in the lives of others. Impacting them on a greater level.

Many people miss it. Many people don't understand that following God and honoring him isn't in the glitz and glamour. It isn't in the demonstration of power. True power is in love. We don't know that yet. Until we do, I don't believe we will know true power.



Message of Hope:

Dear Becomers know your truth.

I love you Becomers!!!!!!

An Anchor...

Everyday I am challenged. Everyday I can see the things that I am losing due to being ill. Everyday I see the obstacles placed in my way. I am tested.

Two days ago a friend and I were discussing how I am missing so many days from work now since I've been having these not-diagnosed flare-ups. I begin to tell her that it sucks not being able to work.

Another  friend of mine spoke to me about using this opportunity to see what else God has in store for me.
I have heard of others having significant career changes after developing an illness. I wanted to go full force with mine. I wanted to work until I couldn't work anymore. As a matter of fact, I did not want to have to stop working at all. I was determined to find a way to make it happen.

See after developing Trigeminal Neuralgia (facial nerve pain) in October, I sat in class unable to speak. I wrote on a piece of paper to communicate with my professors. In December I pushed through and by the end of the term I could talk but I also completed my classes. I completed all of my courses for my degree. YAY!

My degree paved the way for me. In February I joined a company that held the same ideals, the same principles, the same purpose that I had been dreaming of for years. I've been working with at risk, low income youth for the past 3 months. I love going in and seeing their faces light up. I enjoy assisting in teaching them correct behavior. I appreciate hearing them share their stories with me. It's a joy to have them around.

Fast forward to today, before my complete 90 days I've had to take a month off from work. Not only is the illness not official, it is also unpredictable. So working makes no sense. But I've tried it for the last three weeks unsuccessfully. Either I'm there unable to give my all or I'm not there at all.

So as you can imagine I felt like everything was being taken away. Even my ability to financially provide for my household.
However, the friend I first mentioned above spoke some words to me that not only resonated within me but they ANCHORED my soul.
I'd been looking and praying for an anchor. I'm  a firm believer in having something to "hold on to". If I don't have that one thing in my life that I can hold on to, that I can say keeps me secure, I won't be any good to anybody. Surely I won't be good to myself. Its because that anchor keeps me from just floating about at sea while uncertainty is walking around my ship.

When in my mind I have no idea what is going on or why it is happening an ANCHOR keeps me steady. Gives me something to go back to. I need it.

What anchored me the other day was being reminded that even if I'm not working there it doesn't mean I don't have purpose. It doesn't mean that I've been stripped of everything. I began to feel as if this illness was taking everything away from me. I started to see things being taken away at every turn and I'm saying "God what did I do to deserve this".

It has been a scary and lonely place. Many days alone with my thoughts. Wondering about my future. Wondering who will be there with me if anything drastic happens. Again, its unpredictable.

But Oh to be Kept By Jesus, as Shirley Caesar says..... its nothing like being reminded why you are here in the first place. If it had not been for purpose I would not be typing this letter to the masses. I would not be sharing any gift or talent because I would  not have known who I was or why I was here. I prayed long and many nights before I understood my gifting. Now that I understand I have to remember on days like this that I possess gifts. I have to remember that I have them to be used. I have to remember that even on hard days that I'm still useful.

Oh to be kept by Jesus!

Each day now I focus on the ultimate goal. I focus on my dream. I focus on what it will take to get that done. I remember that yes there's an illness now housing this body with me, yet, I must go on. I must move forward. I must make lemonade!

Message of hope:

When you feel down and out, uncertain, afraid, and like you have nowhere to go. Remember that you have a purpose beyond any illness, circumstance, or issue of life. Which means that despite it all you can still be in pursuit of that which you have been given to fulfill on this earth. I believe that I'll do an even greater work because of the sacrifice I've made to push forward while this illness is here with me. I'll serve greater people because of this. I"m anchored mostly by hope. It grounds me. It lets me know that no matter what the lights are still on, I'm not in complete darkness. As long as the light is on I can always find my way home. Keep the faith becomers! We have  ways to go..... but its not as far off as it sometimes seem. Keep the light on! Stay Anchored.

When I Don't Feel Good.

It's hard explain to others the amount of dis-ease and discomfort you feel when dealing with illness.

Someone calls at nine o'clock and ask how I am. I may be ok in the sense that the pain isn't totally present, my toes aren't being stung by bee's st the moment, and my legs don't feel like I have been burned by an iron. By nine thirty I'll be in that very state.

Life has been unpredictable. Can you imagine the stress of waking up feeling fine and then all of a sudden fatigue sets in. You just want to lay your head down until the fog clears. You may eat or double check to see if you have taken your meds. You battle in your mind about pushing hard versus resting. You have to choose to lay down or keep pushing. Both of them may cost you.

Each day is a different day. I feel good in my soul. My attitude is positive but my body feels weighed down and sluggish. I move very slowly and I don't worry about what others have to say. In those moments I have to endure this. I have to swallow this pill. I have to fight.
And it's hard.

This morning I woke up fine. Within two hours of being awake I feel terrible. I have pulled the covers over me. I decided to write my frustrations. Now because my head feels as if my brain is floating inside of it I'm going to rest.

To my butterflies. Even on hard days work to relate to others and inspire. It's where growth happens.

Mysterious things....No diagnosis.

Over the last few weeks life has been different. I'm pleased to share my experience. It's creating a different me.
I've listened and followed the whispers of the Spirit. I'm sure that I'm to gain a higher awareness of God, and how strong I can be through adversity.

This is a dark place. A place in which everyday I have to think through my actions. I have to think about what it will cost me to react to certain things.

I have to walk still and calm. I have to approach life slowly. I have to purposely choose the moments I engage in.

It's serious for me.

I wish things were different. I wish I wasn't here in this place of pain and suffering.
I read a book once and couldn't commit to finishing it due to the amount of suffering the character endured.
I eventually finished ...I could feel and I had to feel a portion of what the character felt. I had to reason with myself that suffering is part of life. It is a part of life that I will endure. It brings forth treasures unknown.
People who learn to suffer with grace and courage gather pearls of wisdom others in the world don't have.

I can link many reasons to why I'm enduring an illness yet to be officially diagnosed. But I lean toward one particular reason the most .......there's something I will only receive through enduring this journey. Something that will make me a better woman. Something that will link me more to the suffering of man. Something that will cause more compassion to rise in my heart. Something that will cause me to care more and do more for the people in this world. Something that will cause me to speak my truth no matter what.

I watched an episode of Oprah where many told their stories of coping with illness. They spoke of the phase where they couldn't believe what was happening to them and the pain of having your life altered. Finally after some time they found themselves in a pool of acceptance and courage. Then after its all said and done you see the silver lining.

I'm hurting but I'm also praying. I've been in between silver lining, acceptance, anger, and grief. Then press repeat.
I'm uncertain but I'm also believing God. Believing that everything will go as purposed.
I'll fulfill my call.

Having a illness with no definite name is scary. But having to live through it without the light in the midst of it... would be worse.

I'm thankful for the light.

A Journey through Closed Doors.

Before starting today's blog, I was thinking of what I would write. I thought I would start off with, "Dear God.....". I would write a letter to God about my concerns, the closed doors, my frustrations, and plead to him for answers and a clear path through all of my recent struggles.

Those were my plans before I decided to follow up on my last blog post. I read over it to check for mistakes. I read over it and certain things stuck out to me that brought out of all things a smile to my face. Today emotionally was hard. I've cried a few times. I've laid in my bed just with my thoughts and R & B Divas. So needless to say smiling for me was a big deal at that time.

My last blog brought me to an eye opening moment. One I had not had when in my dark state of mind. I wrote about how the strong will continue. I wrote about not giving up when it gets hard. Never giving up even when its rough. I encouraged my daughter to push it to the limit. I encouraged my readers to win the war.

A door was opened up to me today. After it was opened and I was allowed a glimpse into the world of dreams, then the door was shut just as quick. Or should I say a wedge was put between me and it and I'm having a hard time prying it open.

My health issues have definitely put me into a weird head space. Having other opportunities challenge me besides my health really just didn't feel good. It felt as if God was playing tricks on me. As if the powers that be decided to start moving the chess pieces of my life around without consulting me. Without letting me in on the move. As if I should just go along with it and not be disturbed by the shaking of the board.....

I'm finding it to be okay though. I'm not happy about it. I'm not saying that I completely understand where my life is going. I say that I'm making peace with whatever the decision is. I'm making peace because whether the door closes or opens there's a path for me to take. I'll receive the vision. It'll be plain. I'll walk it. I'll succeed in it. I'll prosper in it. I'll win.

I think to myself in this moment, if someone ask, how do you know that you will succeed no matter what? I say to the person in my thoughts, maybe that's me, I say, "I know because I choose so". No matter what this illness could be, no matter what the door does, open or closes, I have a choice to continue striving to build the life that I desire. A life of grace. A life of beauty. A life of enjoyment, and a life of service.

I don't know what God is doing. I can't say I like it or understand it at all. I can say that I'm going to make it through this. I'll have some hard days. I won't be happy all of the time. I'm going through a very hard time in my life and I am realizing that I am only hurting myself by attempting to always keep it together. I choose like my grandmother did, God bless her soul, to cry alone. I don't want pity. I want strength. I don't want I feel sorry for you. I want strength. I want love. I want joy. I want to hear your story before I have to constantly cry about mine. I want strength. Today. Tomorrow I may want a hug. However, hugs make me leak! *Smiles* So less of how I'm doing more of how you are.
It's just how I'm coping.

I cope by sharing my story with you. I write with a person in mind, who's reading this and relating to my story. They understand my emotions. They don't feel as alone. They love themselves greater. They don't count themselves out. They smile more. They heal faster because of the words I've shared. If I've done these things. I'm serving my purpose.

I don't know what will happen with this door I desire to go through. I do know that in the meantime I'm going to keep the faith that no matter what things will be okay. They'll be okay because God has built me to build again, and again, and again. It's not my gift to give up. It's my gift to prevail despite the odds. My prayer is that one day, even though I have to work out kinks, that I get a vacation. That I get a much needed break. That I enjoy my life. That I find peace.


On to Becoming Butterflies......

Do you have it in you?

Today I felt extremely weak. My body was in pain and I didn't want to do much of anything.

I had an appointment today. As I slowly got into my  car, crank it up, the radio starts to play.

I'm settled in and realized one of my favorites is playing. Conqueror by Estelle.

In my illness I start to question, am I really a conqueror?
Do I deserve that title? Am I conquering this illness or is it conquering me?
I turned the radio down, unable to come to terms with the fact that I did not get up, run with the wind, and tackle my issues today.

 I, instead, rested.

I chose to relax my mind and body. And for some reason I felt guilty for doing that. Even though physically I was exhausted and in pain. I had a valid reason to take a seat back today.

I questioned how strong I was. How could I dare sing Estelle's song?

It didn't take long however to pull myself back. Conqueror had gone off the radio by then so I decided to play my Nas CD. I played one of my favorite tracks that says something like, "only the strong will continue, do you have it in you? I know you have it in you, we have a journey to go oh oh..."
The song talks about how the battle gets sour and filled with dread....
Will you continue to fight?

So I turned that song up and I answered Jr. Gong when he asked "will you continue?" I shook my head with a knowing, YES! I'll continue.

A fellow sufferer was upset today because she's endured so much pain. She was tired of being sick. And she felt like she may not be able to fight anymore. I was reminded of my earlier struggle.

I told her that we forget that we are in a war, we may lose small battles, but ultimately we will win the war. Today I wanted to win, and I think I did in a way. Yet, we can't give up the fight. We have a journey to go.

Be inspired my loves to push forward. Go after what matters.

Last but not least, Saturday my family and I went to exercise. My daughter wasn't feeling it. It was too hot. She didn't want to engage.

I didn't feel well. My legs were weak. But I saw my daughter giving up. Isolating herself. Not wanting to participate. I knew in that moment I was her example. So I got beside my daughter and pushed her. I modified the exercise so that we both could do it. I told my daughter no matter what, if you can help it, you never give up.

And I completed the exercise even when my daughter wanted to sit out. I needed to let her see what winning the war looks like. Even when it doesn't feel good.

It's something I'm faced with now. Lesson number 1. No giving up.

Hold me to that!

Good day butterflies.

Walk with me Becomers.....

Today was the big day! I received results from my MRI test.....

October. Trigeminal Neuralgia-21 days of intense facial pain. Heat. Shocks. Stings. Stabs. with no relief. Every hour. For 21 days.

November. Visit the Facial Pain Specialist-yes TN. Lets try this medication....I could talk again without pain. I could eat again without pain. I realized more than anything that I couldn't be silenced. That I had a voice. That I needed to use it. I needed to share the spiritual, life changing, fresh ideas, and blessings that occurred in my life. Lessons I learned through pain.

December. Pain. Facial Pain. I can't stand the cold wind on my face. I'm wearing a scarf in South Carolina. Where it may snow it March! The cold triggered aches and pains. I stayed in the house. I hated it. Maybe everything fought for in October and realized in November had started to simmer down... Not to mention I graduated college. Went to school in pain from the end of October to December. My professor cheered when I could finally talk in class.

January. A visit to Charlotte, NC. TN pain isn't disappearing doc ask? No sir. Well lets up the medication to double what you take now. This medication should be taking care of the pain completely. We need to schedule you an MRI. We need to see if we can get you to the team in Wake Forest, NC. Ok.

February. I applied for several jobs. At least 20 so that I could secure a job in my field. TN was the least of my worries. I felt stronger having defeated 21 days of not being able to speak. I was building confidence in my abilities. I created an awesome CV which led me to great job opportunities with state and local agencies. I remembered in my head... you have a voice. I believed in my chosen field is where I'd begin to effectively use it.

March. I'm working. I'm searching for that place where I believe I will shine. I secured a job. I felt as if I could stand on my own. Operate in my gifts. Fill my shoes. Those especially designed for me.
Pain decided to enter into my life. Doctor visits. MRI's! Frighting MRI machine. No room to think or breathe. A tunnel in which I can see no way in or out. Nothing but ear plugs that were supposed to mask a loud thunder and screech that only made me feel crazy and out of control. Anxiety intense.

April. Working. Depleted. Tired. Exhausted. In pain. My body this time. Tremors. Stings and Stabs. Itching and Burning. No explanation. More blood drawn. More test performed. More opinions made. Test results. Lesions. Nerves. Scared. Frightened.

Today. I asked God what do I do? What is it that you require of me. Impression. Just follow my lead. I see flowers. As if a bouquet was being sent for a wedding. What am I saying goodbye to? My past. My hurt. My pain? My emotional baggage. Had I not cleared that up before. It's why I begin to pour into others. Aha. To heal them as I heal. Not to say that I was already healed. I know that I am not. Now what?

Message of Hope: 
Uncertainty is a beast. A large fluffy one that you may be able to get acquainted with if you learn to trust the process, trust the leading of the spirit to healing waters, even when you can still feel the pain.

I'm still becoming butterflies..... bear with me on this journey. It doesn't feel good. It hurts literally. I've never encountered such a thing before. I've never known pain on such a deep level. I've only known emotional pain. It seems this time around I have to deal with emotional pain, whatever is left of it, in order to be physically pain free. If God decides to heal my mind and not my physical body. Its okay. I think I will have gotten all that I need from him. I think that I'll be better suited for his purpose. That's what I've always wanted anyway... Do with me what you will Lord. Please help me through it. I know that he will. He's been here every step of the way, each time I've needed him.

Walk with me becomers.... who knows what will become of this journey.. I may surprise myself. I may surprise you too! Who knows... whatever God says.

Tell your story!

This week there has been a lot of seeking on my behalf... Looking for whatever it is that God would have me learn during this time of enduring pain and uncertainty.

It's refreshing how after you have prayed a prayer, released it for God to do his magic, a person, a quote, or a circumstance comes along to not only confirm that prayer but lead the way. 

I had that opportunity today. A co-worker and I had a conversation about church.... And why I don't frequent church as much as I used to. 

For years I've disclosed MY PAST to my friends, family, and people who I felt led to share with. I never told strangers unless I felt the need to. My co-worker who is now one of my spiritual brothers, helped me to understand why it is important to be unapologetic-ally me, with my tainted past and all. 

I have been afraid in many ways to tell my story in its entirety because I don't want to hurt my family. I am learning though that I am hurting as well. My healing comes from releasing the burden of my past. Releasing the burden of my past happens when I tell my story. Simple right......

My Big sis, mother in the spirit, Iyanla Vanzant, says, after some point you quit telling your story. I believe that in the sense of rehashing, and opening old wounds however, to tell your story again can also be healing for you. More importantly its healing for those who may be in the shoes you were in 20, 10, or even 5 years ago. Telling your story can be the breakthrough that someone needs to get to the next place in life. 

I was molested as a child and my life felt like a prison that I couldn't wait to break free from. I've told this story before. I forget that I've shared because if it could be non-existent I'd prefer that. I know though that it provides greater benefits for those who hear it. 

 I had a baby at 15 years of age and lost it. Holding a dead child in your arms who only for a few minutes had a heartbeat isn't the image I get when I think of 15 year old girls. Yet, it was my image. 

Got a job at the age of 16 years old. When I bought my first pair of shoes with my own money I thought I had arrived! Who was I fooling?

 I had a drug addicted parent that worried me silly. I wanted to fix my parent, however, I was just as broken. 

  I was pregnant again by the time I was 17 years old. The senior picture guy didn't know I was pregnant and gave me a lecture on how it was good that I hadn't got pregnant yet. So many girls waste their lives getting pregnant while in high school. 

My prenatal doctor told me that I wouldn't graduate and that I would be on welfare. She told me that this happened to young black girls like me. Its generational and my kid would probably end up on food stamps and welfare too. I didn't believe her. I was angry and decided to do something different. I graduated! 

I picked on as a kid. I was nervous. I was scared of people. I didn't trust any of them. I hated the people who did me wrong. I almost hated God. This is my story.

I would cry out to God in the middle of the night. I wanted to be saved. It seemed to be no savior. 

Life has a funny way of turning around on you though. Bringing folks along to wake you up, to shake the dust off you, and start you on your way even when you feel like you've lost it. 

This is my story. 

I was a sad human being. I was often angry too but mostly hurt. I didn't know who was for me. I didn't know who cared and I'll be crazy as a blind bat before I cared enough about somebody that I would allow them to hurt me. I wouldn't let people close to me.

My story. 

Painful yes. I had good days too. Like playing with my cousins over my grandmothers house. Eating red dirt! Playing in the big ole drainage systems, and walking around the block with my family. I have great memories of eating ice-cream with grandma and going to parties with my uncles and aunts. I have beautiful memories of my mothers smile and the days she used to take us to get our nails done. I remember these things. I am grateful for them, they are also part of my story. 

The pain in my life though, is the thing that has developed who I am today. 

Back then, I had chosen that I wasn't lovable and I wasn't worthy. I was ugly. 

Well today,I am growing into the woman I hope to be. She's peeking through the clouds like the sunshine after the storm. Bright and Bold. 

My talk with my co-worker helped me see that even after all of that pain. I am here today. I have the ability to stand tall, to stare the truth right in the eye, and dare to live by it. I'm here right now, right here to live a life that is beautiful. 

I have come to the conclusion that I have to live as the strong, loving, beautiful, woman I am. With all of my flaws.  

My light is unapologetic, it shines whether I try to hide it or not. I have to stand up in who I am whether people approve or not. I have to live my life as if I want to live forever and a day. I have to do the things that preserve my life and nurture my spirit. I have to live in a way that is powerful. That is courageous  and gracious all at the same time. 

Being this light that I am takes a special elixir of pain, grace, love, strength, endurance, and MORE LOVE! I've drank the elixir.  I don't always like what comes with it... it causes me to hide.

One of my professors praised me in front of my peers once. I cringed! I told her I didn't like it. I meant it. In my experience, often times when someone mentions the good things about you, others look with eyes of envy, of jealousy, of covetousness. I don't like those looks. It's like lions coming after you and you are an unsuspecting antelope. No time to run because the lion has already spotted you. What does he want? Well of course the lion wants to consume you. To eat all of you, and to make you a part of himself. 

I am more like a cheetah, blending in with my surroundings, and focused on my goal, my purpose. I don't need to be seen. I don't need to be out in the open. I need to be hidden. 

A scripture then comes to me during my conversation with my newest brother! 

Matthew 5:15

........nor does anyone light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on the lamp-stand, and it gives light to all who are in the house

This scripture ends my post for tonight. 

I leave my readers with this.
 No matter what you have encountered throughout your life time. You have the ability to become all that you desire to be and more. Our God, Our Source, has all of the power in the world and he's filled you with that same power. Don't worry about what you have done. Where you have been. Tell your story for the benefit of others. Don't be ashamed of who you are. Don't worry about what others say. For every one naysayer, there's many who have experienced just a snippet of your life and need the words that you offer. These words will heal many. My task, to not let anyone put a basket over my lamp! To let my light so shine before men! To be myself unapologetic-ally. 

Through the Storm

No one could have ever told me a year ago that I would have been the sufferer of a rare but major chronic pain condition called Trigeminal Neuralgia.

I couldn't have foreseen it.

I don't think I would have believed it because the path I have been on is one of purpose and determination.

I don't think I ever envisioned something like this being a storm I'd have to PASS THROUGH in order to reach my divine destination.

When you picture in your mind the road it will take to get to your dream, you may see a few yield signs, yellow flashing lights, you may even think of some detours. How often do you think of a chronic condition being one of those flashing yellow lights?

This journey has been painful. It has been emotional. It has been tiring and outright exhausting.

My spiritual walk has been put on the line. What do I believe, who do I believe, and how are these faith principles working in my life right now?

I've been known to be a woman of faith. People hear me speak and automatically say, "I know you are a woman of God". I don't have to speak of my faith.

Right now in this moment, as a woman of faith, a woman who believes God to do the impossible through his earthly vessels (you and me), in this moment I am seeking God to find out why this is my current situation and what is it that I must gain through this experience.

My spirit says, there's something to gain. Something spiritual in nature. This experience will make something out of me that I had not fathomed before. I know it will.

When I first became sick. I was stronger in my opinion and what I stood for. It made me stand up within myself with less apologies. I'm still becoming.....

I have grown throughout my life, working to become a strong woman, like one I've seen before. Graceful but Mighty in Strength!

I have worked toward being this woman. She doesn't come without a price. She's costly. Money can't buy her.... its worth fades against her character. The world I'm not sure is ready for her... But she is coming.

I know now more than I have before, what this #TN journey means... its a revealing of who I am in Christ. In his consciousness, in his light, and more than anything in his love. It's a telling about his grace. It's a telling about what he looks like for real. Who better to understand Christ, than one who suffers and needs his touch.

Having never suffered you may not know him as I have learned him. I am not boasting... but giving my perception. The bible says we must die with him that we might live with him. Another scripture says I die daily.....

I think I'm somewhere on that path of spiritual rebirth and aliveness. I have to gain these nuggets of wisdom and I have to live upright.

I believe people may need me in a capacity that I can't quite fathom.

My prayer:

God use me. It's always been my prayer. It's what my life has been about. Purpose. His people. His love. His gracious love. In the most purest form that I can deliver it from this human body... I would like to give that to others.

I'm not perfect. I'd like to get close to it in spirituality as I can. Perfection meaning pure, unadulterated, clean, holy, and righteous, integral love and compassion.

I want to reach that high place. It goes deep and I believe my journey through illness is creating that space for me.

I haven't even began to bend to this journey yet as I should. I'm still caught in the emotions of it. It HURTS! Physically and emotionally the pain is deep.

But I know that God is with me, and if he's with me then he's leading and guiding me through this process. I must get it all before I can move on to greater.

It's spiritual.

I believe I'm going to get it.

My life has been set up in such a way that I will.

Through the storm Butterflies, don't get caught up in the pain. Pray your way through it. Gather all of the support you can from family and friends. Tell your story it will help keep you free. Love everybody even when you'd rather close the door and not love at all.

Through the storm LIVE.


-Sharhonda Kirksey

A New Me. A New Day.

Today I had an interview Becomers, and it was the most spiritually fulfilling interview I've ever encountered in my life. It was very unconventional, out of the box, and surprisingly pleasant.

My journey since my last entry in November 2014 has been as such: 

November 2014- Diagnosed with a "rare" chronic condition called Trigeminal Neuralgia

December 2014- Successfully completing my college courses toward my Bachelor of Arts in Psychology! YAYY!!!!

January 2015- Applying for at least 20 jobs until I had one call and ask me for an interview!

Another Yayy!!! :) 

So chronologically speaking my life has been interesting, but on the side of BECOMING, it has been more than interesting, it has been incredible. I have been like the butterfly coming out of its cocoon. It's like the butterfly seeing the brightness of the sun, and the many colors of the flowers and leaves around him as he sheds the shell of the cocoon he's lived in for so long. It's a metamorphosis indeed and I feel strong like iron inside, but loving as little girl attending to her baby brothers "boo-boo" at the same time. I'm tender but strong. I understand more of me. I'm standing up within myself, filling my body with my gracious and wonderful spirit. Even while there's more to be filled, I"m living and it feels good!  I could stand to have more filling but coming where I come from, I am happy that I'm filled almost to the brim.

In October I encountered a health scare that I briefly hit on in my Nov. 2014 post that forever changed me. I went into the doctor for what I thought was a wisdom teeth possibly pressing on or against a nerve causing unbearable pain. Such pain to where I could not eat solid foods. After enduring a wisdom tooth extraction, unbearable pain for 21 days, the inability to eat for 21 days, probably anywhere from 15 to 20 lbs lighter, and after several doctor visits, one of which was out of state, it was determined that my condition was beyond any type of toothache. 

I have a condition called Trigeminal Neuralgia. Google it to learn more about it, but in short a nerve that stems from behind the ears to the face is pinched or damaged and it causes severe pain in my face. Constant pain that Morphine, Tramadol, Lortab, or any other pain medication cannot fix. 

Enduring this for 21 days taught me my own strength, it taught me who my supporters and friends were, and it taught me how to fight for what is mine. 

After enduring these things I believe it birthed me into a higher sense of my self. The stronger, less insecure, faith filled, driven, and passionate side of me. 

I broke free from many inhibitions while being locked inside myself, because I could not talk either. I could only text my friends and family and send my husband text messages. I had to increase in inner strength because no one on the outside understood my dilemma and no one could fix it. I was alone on the inside. No one could be there for me but me in that moment. It grew within me a stronger more confident woman. No one can take that from me. 

It was a hard, scary 21 days. 

I'm in a place today where I appreciate my life. I believe in who I am. Maybe because it seemed as if I could lose the possibility of showcasing my talents and abilities. It pushed me into nurturing my gifts and believing in them at a greater capacity than I had before. 

I have always wanted to succeed. I was motivated by fear of losing it all. What if I could never talk again. How would I help kids in my community then? These are the questions I asked myself. Then I would say to myself, no matter what we (me and God) we will find a way! 

I was determined not to give up. 

All I know is that I had a moment where a switch turned on inside of me and I said no longer will I allow people to treat me any kind of way. No longer will I hide my gifts and hide behind the wall so that others don't have negative things to say. I determined in my heart that I would be strong in whatever position God saw fit to put me in. I also said to myself I would live up to the divinity within me. 

With a made up mind. With intentions set forth, I believe it is my time to fly. My time to show the world what I'm made of. Time to spread my beautiful butterfly wings and show the world what I have become! 

It's interesting because as I speak of BECOMING, I know that the buck doesn't stop here. I will have to continue to push and meet new challenges. However right now, I'm celebrating the progress. I've excelled in this area and interesting enough severe pain is what propelled me into my next phase of life. 

I'm blessed more than I can imagine and I feel it all in my soul! I'm close to perfect ;)

Message of hope: To those of you who are on your way to becoming, please don't give up. Don't give in. The hardships will come. It is life. It is a part of the way we grow. If you can look at your circumstances as stepping stones, as blocks, or challenges,  as anything but a dreadful obstacle, you will be able to move on to the next level. We move through storms, we don't stop in the midst of them and get stuck. If we did we'd always in the rain. That is not the life I believe God intended for us. So press forward! Your moment of BECOMING will arrive sooner than you think. God bless. 

-Sharhonda

I just want to release..... Becoming has been rough!

In October, I was faced with a serious health situation that has left me with a significant amount of anxiety. I will post my experience in detail concerning my health when I feel that I have gathered all I can from that experience, however in this post I'll only deal with my present day aggravations, hopes, and perseverance.

Today my living situation isn't what I dream of at all. Today I am fighting depression. Today I am reading quotes, scripture, praying, venting, talking, and hoping all in the same token. I am trying, working, worrying, and attempting to cope.

I am the closest I've been to having nothing and I guess in and through this experience I am also gaining more than I would have through any sermon, seminar, or lecture. Wisdom that comes from experience is priceless, can't be bought, is valuable, and worth the experience.

It doesn't make the experience any easier though. It brings into question everything you stood for. It causes you to notice the things you will and will not do for the sake of the ones you love and for your own self-interest. It causes you to take a look at your own humanity, who you are and who you could be. It makes you cry and gasp for air at the choices you've made in response to hardened pressure. Causing you to go outside of your moral code in order to survive. Some psychologist have it right, our most primitive function is survival. If we have done that, then we are successful.

It matters to me, the manner in which I survive.

As a child growing up I wanted to be a teacher. I wanted to teach math. I looked at my elementary school teachers and I loved their warm smiles, and their non-judgmental attitudes toward me. They were pretty, and seemed very confident. I wanted to be that for people around me. They served as a basis for my journey into who I am today.

In my dreams as a child, I never imagined the place that I am in now.

Forgive me for being obscure but I can't bare all at this moment, I can only give snippets. You may draw your own conclusion but for now, its just "a situation".

My frustration with this situation: Many people keep saying, "It'll be alright". "You are going to be okay". and so on and so on.....
I understand these are words of comfort that everyone uses to try and help in a situation they don't understand themselves. The hope is, that everything will be okay, that your life will go back to some form of normal, and that you will not feel the pain of this thing again. That is the hope.
Our hopes are always to get better, to beat cancer, to eradicate hunger, to eliminate homelessness, some form of something better than the dying world we see around us. It's a sad fact that sometimes things don't get better. For that reason I think people always hope for the best even if the circumstances could get worse.

For me, I'd rather someone just listen. Someone to just talk with me about real solutions versus someone trying to encourage me on a situation they may have experienced but not in the form that I have. I'd rather someone give moral support, a hug, or LISTEN, instead of tell me how good God is and how he'll never forsake me. Especially in a moment where I may feel forsaken.

Just be real with me. Just show me the truth, that is comfort for me. At least I can look at truth and gauge whether I'll make it, or what I have to fight against to make it. With false hope, I can't grasp what I'm dealing with. It further complicates the matter. Causing me to be more confused, stripping away the faith that I do have, limiting my options to one avenue of thought.

I need truth as it is right now.

I don't want future tense. I understand today, in the present, that if I focus on a particular path, do the work to get there, most likely that is where I will be. I have witnessed that each time I set my intentions to get something done. It happens. I know that if I want something I will do whatever it takes to get it. I do know that. I have faith in my ability. I have faith in the notion that with God all things are possible.
 I also believe that if God would have me endure suffering to learn a valuable life lesson then that is an option as well and it is not something I can ignore, or dodge.

Many people get scared here. They run to church, scripture, faith, and blame every "bad" incident that happens in their lives on the devil. I can't do that for a few reasons, one of them being I have to accept reality. I have to accept that bad things do happen to good people. That I am not exempt from health scares, poverty, my car breaking down, or anything of that nature no more than a con artist is of becoming a billionaire.  Whether we are just or unjust we get the same portion. Nothing escapes us. Secondly, I don't like feeding the energy of darkness. I purposely think positive as much as possible and I do not speak on the devil or negative energy at all. It bothers me to my core when I hear people say " the devil is busy". Well wait if God or good is the ultimate supreme being why would darkness even matter? It doesn't equate nor does it fit in. So I give it little to no energy. I feed that which I want to grow.

So back to how to help me and others through hard situations;  instead of someone saying it'll be okay, say I'm here when you need me. Be that support without someone having to ask. Come forward without someone bidding you to come. Give without having to be asked. Hug someone without being invited through tears.

People need people. We desperately need each other. When we close ourselves off, we do it to the detriment of others. We are too independent and not interdependent enough in our thinking. My strength may be enough for the next person to continue on in their journey of life. Without the sharing of my story, someone else could extinguish the life and energy they were blessed with, prematurely ending dreams and purpose. Possibly ending the life line to someone else in need.

We need each other.

I can't say each day throughout my journey that I've been beautiful in the sense that my smile is on point, that my manners and attitude have always carried that floral scent, but I have done my best to reach that level of beautiful.

I have cried in the late night when my kids are asleep. I have asked God "why are you doing these things to me?" I have wondered at why is this happening to me. I couldn't fathom God punishing me, especially after I have confessed my sins and sought forgiveness, yet I would lie if I said it did not cross my mind along with several other possibilities of why this situation has come to me in this time of my life.

I'm trying to say that I have not been perfect. I am not perfect. I weather the storm with an attitude that says I'm making it. I can't lose!
Yet there are times when I worried about how I'd get to the winning side of this fight. I worried about getting so far behind that I can't pull myself back up. I've contemplated quitting. Giving up. Standing down. I have thought of these things.
I have to think of the possibilities of winning though. The end result of fighting hard. I have to consider that and I keep pushing.

Many of my friends have credited me with being inspirational, handling things gracefully, with a positive attitude, and with a "warrior spirit". I have grown to admire their kind words toward me and rely on them at times like these. They remind me of who I am.

Then there are times I've felt disgusted at the same words because I am not in the place I desire to be and how can I be such wonderful things and I have am not in the place I desire to be.

A book I am reading called This I Believe, tells the story of a woman who lost her husband before thanksgiving. He had fallen from the roof into the snow, and she could not come back to herself for a long time after that. She mentioned that some days she would wake up and different people would be shoveling her snow, or a friend would be cooking her dinner. She worried about  being too lazy. Not doing enough to help herself after her husband died.

This story was great for me. She learned through her experience to be grateful and humble. That the help of others was what she needed to get through one of the toughest experiences she had ever encountered.

A quote I walked away with from that snippet of this lady's life is " I have been surprised to learn that there is incredible freedom that comes from facing one's worst fear and walking away whole. I believe there is strength in surrender."

So even after ranting and releasing, telling my story, what I relate to the most is accepting whatever love, gift, and support I can because it is in place for my healing. I pull from this to face my fear of needing people so that I can be whole. Surrendering to this process so that I can understand more about who I am. So that because of this humbling experience I can be more loving and compassionate toward others who are in need. I'm learning to be a little more patient but to keep doing the work. To keep my eyes ahead, to continue to focus on becoming. The end result will be just what I intend for it to be. 

The end result is nothing short of successful. But first I must surrender. 

-Sharhonda