It's refreshing how after you have prayed a prayer, released it for God to do his magic, a person, a quote, or a circumstance comes along to not only confirm that prayer but lead the way.
I had that opportunity today. A co-worker and I had a conversation about church.... And why I don't frequent church as much as I used to.
For years I've disclosed MY PAST to my friends, family, and people who I felt led to share with. I never told strangers unless I felt the need to. My co-worker who is now one of my spiritual brothers, helped me to understand why it is important to be unapologetic-ally me, with my tainted past and all.
I have been afraid in many ways to tell my story in its entirety because I don't want to hurt my family. I am learning though that I am hurting as well. My healing comes from releasing the burden of my past. Releasing the burden of my past happens when I tell my story. Simple right......
My Big sis, mother in the spirit, Iyanla Vanzant, says, after some point you quit telling your story. I believe that in the sense of rehashing, and opening old wounds however, to tell your story again can also be healing for you. More importantly its healing for those who may be in the shoes you were in 20, 10, or even 5 years ago. Telling your story can be the breakthrough that someone needs to get to the next place in life.
I was molested as a child and my life felt like a prison that I couldn't wait to break free from. I've told this story before. I forget that I've shared because if it could be non-existent I'd prefer that. I know though that it provides greater benefits for those who hear it.
I had a baby at 15 years of age and lost it. Holding a dead child in your arms who only for a few minutes had a heartbeat isn't the image I get when I think of 15 year old girls. Yet, it was my image.
Got a job at the age of 16 years old. When I bought my first pair of shoes with my own money I thought I had arrived! Who was I fooling?
I had a drug addicted parent that worried me silly. I wanted to fix my parent, however, I was just as broken.
I was pregnant again by the time I was 17 years old. The senior picture guy didn't know I was pregnant and gave me a lecture on how it was good that I hadn't got pregnant yet. So many girls waste their lives getting pregnant while in high school.
My prenatal doctor told me that I wouldn't graduate and that I would be on welfare. She told me that this happened to young black girls like me. Its generational and my kid would probably end up on food stamps and welfare too. I didn't believe her. I was angry and decided to do something different. I graduated!
I picked on as a kid. I was nervous. I was scared of people. I didn't trust any of them. I hated the people who did me wrong. I almost hated God. This is my story.
I would cry out to God in the middle of the night. I wanted to be saved. It seemed to be no savior.
Life has a funny way of turning around on you though. Bringing folks along to wake you up, to shake the dust off you, and start you on your way even when you feel like you've lost it.
This is my story.
I was a sad human being. I was often angry too but mostly hurt. I didn't know who was for me. I didn't know who cared and I'll be crazy as a blind bat before I cared enough about somebody that I would allow them to hurt me. I wouldn't let people close to me.
My story.
Painful yes. I had good days too. Like playing with my cousins over my grandmothers house. Eating red dirt! Playing in the big ole drainage systems, and walking around the block with my family. I have great memories of eating ice-cream with grandma and going to parties with my uncles and aunts. I have beautiful memories of my mothers smile and the days she used to take us to get our nails done. I remember these things. I am grateful for them, they are also part of my story.
The pain in my life though, is the thing that has developed who I am today.
Back then, I had chosen that I wasn't lovable and I wasn't worthy. I was ugly.
Well today,I am growing into the woman I hope to be. She's peeking through the clouds like the sunshine after the storm. Bright and Bold.
My talk with my co-worker helped me see that even after all of that pain. I am here today. I have the ability to stand tall, to stare the truth right in the eye, and dare to live by it. I'm here right now, right here to live a life that is beautiful.
I have come to the conclusion that I have to live as the strong, loving, beautiful, woman I am. With all of my flaws.
My light is unapologetic, it shines whether I try to hide it or not. I have to stand up in who I am whether people approve or not. I have to live my life as if I want to live forever and a day. I have to do the things that preserve my life and nurture my spirit. I have to live in a way that is powerful. That is courageous and gracious all at the same time.
Being this light that I am takes a special elixir of pain, grace, love, strength, endurance, and MORE LOVE! I've drank the elixir. I don't always like what comes with it... it causes me to hide.
One of my professors praised me in front of my peers once. I cringed! I told her I didn't like it. I meant it. In my experience, often times when someone mentions the good things about you, others look with eyes of envy, of jealousy, of covetousness. I don't like those looks. It's like lions coming after you and you are an unsuspecting antelope. No time to run because the lion has already spotted you. What does he want? Well of course the lion wants to consume you. To eat all of you, and to make you a part of himself.
I am more like a cheetah, blending in with my surroundings, and focused on my goal, my purpose. I don't need to be seen. I don't need to be out in the open. I need to be hidden.
A scripture then comes to me during my conversation with my newest brother!
Matthew 5:15
........nor does anyone light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on the lamp-stand, and it gives light to all who are in the house
I leave my readers with this.
No matter what you have encountered throughout your life time. You have the ability to become all that you desire to be and more. Our God, Our Source, has all of the power in the world and he's filled you with that same power. Don't worry about what you have done. Where you have been. Tell your story for the benefit of others. Don't be ashamed of who you are. Don't worry about what others say. For every one naysayer, there's many who have experienced just a snippet of your life and need the words that you offer. These words will heal many. My task, to not let anyone put a basket over my lamp! To let my light so shine before men! To be myself unapologetic-ally.
No comments:
Post a Comment