Today this entry is more selfish than previous ones. Whereas I've written about my journey and the nuggets of wisdom I've gained from them, this entry will be just me pouring my thoughts out. For months now as I have been writing, Facebook-ing, and THINKING about, many of you know I've been dealing with an illness that has yet to have been diagnosed. No treatment but plenty of symptoms.
I am sad.
I wake up feeling fine. I wake up saying to myself I'm going to make the best of the day. I wake up saying no matter what I'm going to do the best I can. After an hour or so has passed I'm terribly sad. I try to trace the sadness back to a particular thought or a particular video I may have watched while going over the morning news, (Facebook feed). I try to think over my morning and think what could have triggered me to fee this way and I can find none. I've been depressed in the past. I've had bouts of depression. I know when I'm getting sad and its mostly within the same time of the year. I understand why I feel that way when I do. Or when my monthly cycle hits, I know why I feel angry or irritated and I don't want to be bothered. I understand those chemical imbalances. I understand those REASONS.
I can only say that after almost 3 months of enduring an unknown sickness that has stopped my life in its tracks, I'm depressed. How in the hell did I reach this place? Maybe by reading daily about what my symptoms could possibly be the result of. Maybe by feeling pain, fatigue, and changes in my body on a daily basis that have no explanation. Maybe because of the course of dis-ease itself.
I have had several other major life issues since then. I have something I have to let go, not get involved in or, think carefully about. I haven't been out with my friends.I have to be very thoughtful of how much I pack my day with because here lately just going grocery shopping warrants a nap. Not because I'm lazy but because my body can't pull the weight it feels.
I am sad because I'm sick. Because I don't know which way to go with my life at the moment. Its as if I'm here . and my dreams are way________________________________________________ over here. I can't swim, walk across, pray, fast, run, type, search, do anything in this moment to get from one end of this gap to the other. I'm waiting.
Boy have I relied on the scripture that talks about how patience produces character. I hurt right now people. I feel a burden that I've never carried before. I have no idea what to do with myself because of it. I talk to people daily who are sick, who suffer from different illnesses. How they live in spite of the illness I haven't totally understood yet.
I'm sure that purpose has to be understood and found in this place. Mine isn't all together lost but I have to find out where to detour because the way that I was originally going to take, I can't go. At least not right now.
I wish things were different. I wish that straight out of college my degree was paid for, released to me and I could have accepted the state job that was waiting for me when I graduated. Instead I had to detour because I owed the school money. I still do. A balance I can't afford. So I can't have my degree. I have to take jobs that don't challenge me in the areas that I need it to. I can't take jobs that cause me to grow as a person. And now, who even knows if I'll be able to work. If I did how effective would I be?
It seems at this time. Life has handed me a crazy hand. My friend says your life is interesting... I love color, I could use a little less of the black and grays. At this moment I need sunshine and lots of it. I need to grow despite this mess going on.... I'm not sure what to do y'all but I'm hoping that I come to a conclusion. A point which helps me as I continue to try and link my dreams with reality.
Thanks for reading!
Like most of you my dears... I'm still becoming. And I guess without intending to teach a lesson... you will see on the journey to becoming you will have days like this...
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