Today I saw a neurologist. I went to this neurologist thinking, "Surely I'll get some answers today!". I was nervous but excited that I'd finally gotten around to a doctor that just may understand my pain and know how to best serve me. I thought that I'd finally get to the bottom of this mysterious illness and be able to get treatment for whatever it is that has slowly interrupted my life.
Instead I received a paper with a list of test the doc wants me to receive. A list of blood work and another MRI that I need performed to rule out all of the dis-eases it could be or could not be. I have to submit myself to more needles and tightly enclosed spaces until the results decide whether I have any of the listed dis-eases or not.
I was angry. I was hurt. I did not get what I expected. Instead I got a fast talking doctor who no doubt was an expert in his field but didn't realize I was a human being whose life has been turned completely around due to a mysterious illness. He didn't sense the fear I felt, nor the anxiety that pumped along with the beat of my heart. He didn't see the courage it took to not call him and say I cancel the appointment and I refuse to take a chance of discovering another life altering health scare. He didn't see that I had to have the guts to invite a friend with me who would be allowed into a very sacred place in my life in order for me to feel okay to even go on this doctor visit. He simply didn't see.
There I was sitting in this room with no life except for a picture of three girls sitting by a peaceful river. This painting situated in a room where I felt no peace. I worried. I felt full of emotion. I was afraid of the unknown and even though I prayed and had several pray for me, my uncertainties remained. I wasn't sure how I would walk out of that hospital. I had no idea what would be said to me and I wasn't prepared for the doctor to tell me that he had no idea what it was. He said plainly, "It doesn't matter what I think. The test is what tells you what you have". I just wanted closure, as my friend clearly understood as she tried offering words to comfort me. I wanted something to help me understand my life at this point. Why am I suffering this? What is this? How do I treat it? What does this mean my quality of life will be like? So many questions and no clear answers offered except, "What I can tell you is I'm going to run the necessary test until we can figure out what it is and treat it".
As you can imagine I was very enthusiastic! NOT! I cried. I was angry. I was frustrated. I was sure I understood my symptoms better than the doctor. I have researched my symptoms. I have compared them to other diseases that mimic what I thought it could be. I can't see it being anything else. I'm sure of what I think it could be. It means nothing without test to confirm.
So I walked away realizing that the magic word, the spiritual nugget, the word for the day was WAIT. Oh, there is a scripture I love that I mention often when going through things. That scripture says, " 3Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us".
This scripture reminds me of who I aspire to be, not only strong, but a woman who can and will endure, a woman who has good character, and a woman who can see that after having endured, I saw the change that endurance brings about and it makes me hopeful for the future.
Oh but the waiting! The frustration of waiting. When you don't know what the answer is. When you don't know what the symptoms mean. When you don't know what the doc thinks. When you don't know why exactly this thing is happening to you. All you can do is wait. No answers are coming. No one has the right thing to say. God isn't revealing anything huge. All you can do is wait.
It sucks! But the truth is its building your endurance. Because you've learned to endure it strengthens your character. Because you can see yourself uphold good character you have hope! When you've stood the test, didn't buckle under pressure, didn't take the easy way out, it says something about who you are. It also says that to yourself, "If I can handle this, maintain integrity and endure, then surely I can do that with other challenges". I believe this challenge for me will make others easy.
But OHHH the waiting!
Today when I asked for prayer. One of my Facebook friends said to me, "Sharhonda don't you worry about anything. You just walk out of there the same way you walked in, and that's Strong." With strength and courage I walked into that doc office. I left feeling defeated but by the end of it I found my strength again.
In waiting I have to trust that the process is going as it should. I have several worries but each day requires prayer to help me follow the lead of the Spirit. It will take me time to get used to the way life is now. Prayerfully the test will come back and I'll get answers. Until then.... may patience have her perfect work.
Thanks for going along this journey with me Becomers! I'm often ranting but I hope that you find hope in my post. I hope that you can see that no matter what, I'm fighting to stay positive, to manifest my dreams, and to inspire others. If I'm not doing those things I'm not living my purpose. I am destined to live! Live on purpose!
So if you are in LIMBO Becomers, don't rush through it. I"m sure there's much to be learned in that place. Embrace it. Hold on for dear life. Endure and take it one day at a time. Soon enough the answers you seek will come froth.
I love you all!
Thanks for reading!!!!!
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