Two days ago a friend and I were discussing how I am missing so many days from work now since I've been having these not-diagnosed flare-ups. I begin to tell her that it sucks not being able to work.
Another friend of mine spoke to me about using this opportunity to see what else God has in store for me.
I have heard of others having significant career changes after developing an illness. I wanted to go full force with mine. I wanted to work until I couldn't work anymore. As a matter of fact, I did not want to have to stop working at all. I was determined to find a way to make it happen.
See after developing Trigeminal Neuralgia (facial nerve pain) in October, I sat in class unable to speak. I wrote on a piece of paper to communicate with my professors. In December I pushed through and by the end of the term I could talk but I also completed my classes. I completed all of my courses for my degree. YAY!
My degree paved the way for me. In February I joined a company that held the same ideals, the same principles, the same purpose that I had been dreaming of for years. I've been working with at risk, low income youth for the past 3 months. I love going in and seeing their faces light up. I enjoy assisting in teaching them correct behavior. I appreciate hearing them share their stories with me. It's a joy to have them around.
Fast forward to today, before my complete 90 days I've had to take a month off from work. Not only is the illness not official, it is also unpredictable. So working makes no sense. But I've tried it for the last three weeks unsuccessfully. Either I'm there unable to give my all or I'm not there at all.
So as you can imagine I felt like everything was being taken away. Even my ability to financially provide for my household.
However, the friend I first mentioned above spoke some words to me that not only resonated within me but they ANCHORED my soul.
I'd been looking and praying for an anchor. I'm a firm believer in having something to "hold on to". If I don't have that one thing in my life that I can hold on to, that I can say keeps me secure, I won't be any good to anybody. Surely I won't be good to myself. Its because that anchor keeps me from just floating about at sea while uncertainty is walking around my ship.
When in my mind I have no idea what is going on or why it is happening an ANCHOR keeps me steady. Gives me something to go back to. I need it.
What anchored me the other day was being reminded that even if I'm not working there it doesn't mean I don't have purpose. It doesn't mean that I've been stripped of everything. I began to feel as if this illness was taking everything away from me. I started to see things being taken away at every turn and I'm saying "God what did I do to deserve this".
It has been a scary and lonely place. Many days alone with my thoughts. Wondering about my future. Wondering who will be there with me if anything drastic happens. Again, its unpredictable.
But Oh to be Kept By Jesus, as Shirley Caesar says..... its nothing like being reminded why you are here in the first place. If it had not been for purpose I would not be typing this letter to the masses. I would not be sharing any gift or talent because I would not have known who I was or why I was here. I prayed long and many nights before I understood my gifting. Now that I understand I have to remember on days like this that I possess gifts. I have to remember that I have them to be used. I have to remember that even on hard days that I'm still useful.
Oh to be kept by Jesus!
Each day now I focus on the ultimate goal. I focus on my dream. I focus on what it will take to get that done. I remember that yes there's an illness now housing this body with me, yet, I must go on. I must move forward. I must make lemonade!
Message of hope:
When you feel down and out, uncertain, afraid, and like you have nowhere to go. Remember that you have a purpose beyond any illness, circumstance, or issue of life. Which means that despite it all you can still be in pursuit of that which you have been given to fulfill on this earth. I believe that I'll do an even greater work because of the sacrifice I've made to push forward while this illness is here with me. I'll serve greater people because of this. I"m anchored mostly by hope. It grounds me. It lets me know that no matter what the lights are still on, I'm not in complete darkness. As long as the light is on I can always find my way home. Keep the faith becomers! We have ways to go..... but its not as far off as it sometimes seem. Keep the light on! Stay Anchored.
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