Those were my plans before I decided to follow up on my last blog post. I read over it to check for mistakes. I read over it and certain things stuck out to me that brought out of all things a smile to my face. Today emotionally was hard. I've cried a few times. I've laid in my bed just with my thoughts and R & B Divas. So needless to say smiling for me was a big deal at that time.
My last blog brought me to an eye opening moment. One I had not had when in my dark state of mind. I wrote about how the strong will continue. I wrote about not giving up when it gets hard. Never giving up even when its rough. I encouraged my daughter to push it to the limit. I encouraged my readers to win the war.
A door was opened up to me today. After it was opened and I was allowed a glimpse into the world of dreams, then the door was shut just as quick. Or should I say a wedge was put between me and it and I'm having a hard time prying it open.
My health issues have definitely put me into a weird head space. Having other opportunities challenge me besides my health really just didn't feel good. It felt as if God was playing tricks on me. As if the powers that be decided to start moving the chess pieces of my life around without consulting me. Without letting me in on the move. As if I should just go along with it and not be disturbed by the shaking of the board.....
I'm finding it to be okay though. I'm not happy about it. I'm not saying that I completely understand where my life is going. I say that I'm making peace with whatever the decision is. I'm making peace because whether the door closes or opens there's a path for me to take. I'll receive the vision. It'll be plain. I'll walk it. I'll succeed in it. I'll prosper in it. I'll win.
I think to myself in this moment, if someone ask, how do you know that you will succeed no matter what? I say to the person in my thoughts, maybe that's me, I say, "I know because I choose so". No matter what this illness could be, no matter what the door does, open or closes, I have a choice to continue striving to build the life that I desire. A life of grace. A life of beauty. A life of enjoyment, and a life of service.
I don't know what God is doing. I can't say I like it or understand it at all. I can say that I'm going to make it through this. I'll have some hard days. I won't be happy all of the time. I'm going through a very hard time in my life and I am realizing that I am only hurting myself by attempting to always keep it together. I choose like my grandmother did, God bless her soul, to cry alone. I don't want pity. I want strength. I don't want I feel sorry for you. I want strength. I want love. I want joy. I want to hear your story before I have to constantly cry about mine. I want strength. Today. Tomorrow I may want a hug. However, hugs make me leak! *Smiles* So less of how I'm doing more of how you are.
It's just how I'm coping.
I cope by sharing my story with you. I write with a person in mind, who's reading this and relating to my story. They understand my emotions. They don't feel as alone. They love themselves greater. They don't count themselves out. They smile more. They heal faster because of the words I've shared. If I've done these things. I'm serving my purpose.
I don't know what will happen with this door I desire to go through. I do know that in the meantime I'm going to keep the faith that no matter what things will be okay. They'll be okay because God has built me to build again, and again, and again. It's not my gift to give up. It's my gift to prevail despite the odds. My prayer is that one day, even though I have to work out kinks, that I get a vacation. That I get a much needed break. That I enjoy my life. That I find peace.
On to Becoming Butterflies......
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