October. Trigeminal Neuralgia-21 days of intense facial pain. Heat. Shocks. Stings. Stabs. with no relief. Every hour. For 21 days.
November. Visit the Facial Pain Specialist-yes TN. Lets try this medication....I could talk again without pain. I could eat again without pain. I realized more than anything that I couldn't be silenced. That I had a voice. That I needed to use it. I needed to share the spiritual, life changing, fresh ideas, and blessings that occurred in my life. Lessons I learned through pain.
December. Pain. Facial Pain. I can't stand the cold wind on my face. I'm wearing a scarf in South Carolina. Where it may snow it March! The cold triggered aches and pains. I stayed in the house. I hated it. Maybe everything fought for in October and realized in November had started to simmer down... Not to mention I graduated college. Went to school in pain from the end of October to December. My professor cheered when I could finally talk in class.
January. A visit to Charlotte, NC. TN pain isn't disappearing doc ask? No sir. Well lets up the medication to double what you take now. This medication should be taking care of the pain completely. We need to schedule you an MRI. We need to see if we can get you to the team in Wake Forest, NC. Ok.
February. I applied for several jobs. At least 20 so that I could secure a job in my field. TN was the least of my worries. I felt stronger having defeated 21 days of not being able to speak. I was building confidence in my abilities. I created an awesome CV which led me to great job opportunities with state and local agencies. I remembered in my head... you have a voice. I believed in my chosen field is where I'd begin to effectively use it.
March. I'm working. I'm searching for that place where I believe I will shine. I secured a job. I felt as if I could stand on my own. Operate in my gifts. Fill my shoes. Those especially designed for me.
Pain decided to enter into my life. Doctor visits. MRI's! Frighting MRI machine. No room to think or breathe. A tunnel in which I can see no way in or out. Nothing but ear plugs that were supposed to mask a loud thunder and screech that only made me feel crazy and out of control. Anxiety intense.
April. Working. Depleted. Tired. Exhausted. In pain. My body this time. Tremors. Stings and Stabs. Itching and Burning. No explanation. More blood drawn. More test performed. More opinions made. Test results. Lesions. Nerves. Scared. Frightened.
Today. I asked God what do I do? What is it that you require of me. Impression. Just follow my lead. I see flowers. As if a bouquet was being sent for a wedding. What am I saying goodbye to? My past. My hurt. My pain? My emotional baggage. Had I not cleared that up before. It's why I begin to pour into others. Aha. To heal them as I heal. Not to say that I was already healed. I know that I am not. Now what?
Message of Hope:
Uncertainty is a beast. A large fluffy one that you may be able to get acquainted with if you learn to trust the process, trust the leading of the spirit to healing waters, even when you can still feel the pain.
I'm still becoming butterflies..... bear with me on this journey. It doesn't feel good. It hurts literally. I've never encountered such a thing before. I've never known pain on such a deep level. I've only known emotional pain. It seems this time around I have to deal with emotional pain, whatever is left of it, in order to be physically pain free. If God decides to heal my mind and not my physical body. Its okay. I think I will have gotten all that I need from him. I think that I'll be better suited for his purpose. That's what I've always wanted anyway... Do with me what you will Lord. Please help me through it. I know that he will. He's been here every step of the way, each time I've needed him.
Walk with me becomers.... who knows what will become of this journey.. I may surprise myself. I may surprise you too! Who knows... whatever God says.
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