My Truth.

After being diagnosed with Trigeminal Neuralgia in October 2014. I really set out to discover the spiritual significance of my experience with a rare but painful illness.
I learned things about myself that made a difference in who I am and how I present myself to the world. I'm still becoming in that area.

Over the last six months or so I have developed an even stranger illness that effects various parts of my body in different ways, and at different times of the day. It has no preference of which symptom I'll experience when, it just comes and goes as it pleases.

During the course of feeling the way I have I've head to really explore the things I've said to others during times of grief or illness. I'm now in that very place I've attempted to help others become strong in. I've tried to comfort others and assist them in making it through their hardships with good intentions. I look back and wonder if there were times where my words did more damage than good.

I write this blog post today because I have to be honest about my truth. I write because the good intended words of comfort I have received sometimes sting more than they comfort. In the moment when you are confused and hurt, people come to you with words they think will encourage because its scripture.  People question your spirituality when you are sick. They conclude that you are far away from God and there's something that you need to do in order to be well. People jump right in to fix you because obviously your ailment has to do with some sin you have committed against God.

I could rant on these ideals forever, but allow me to interject the positive. People do their best to comfort you. To assist you through your hard times. They really want you better and often times they have no idea what to say. I had to take responsibility for my healing in these moments. I can't play the victim. I have to be proactive and say, "can you please not tell me that everything is okay because obviously its not okay right now". I have to make mention, "I know that God heals but in this moment this is what I feel and how I am coping right now". I have to let others know that "I don't want you calling me on the phone and telling me not to claim a sickness that I can clearly feel and see, it makes me crazy". *You can laugh because I did* :)
 For people who may be enduring anything in life, not just sickness, but any trial that is known to man, such as losing a loved one or suffering divorce; You can't not allow others to dictate the way you cope, or dictate the path you take to your healing. As my dad has taught me, that is between you and God.

For instance, I  had trouble forgiving a family member who did me wrong. I did not understand the depths of forgiveness and what to do until I read The Wisdom of Forgiveness by  Dalai Lama. I didn't find myself able to forgive until it was explained to me through the reading of this book. That was my pathway to forgiveness and I absolutely believe that was the path God lead me on. Others who don't believe in Buddhism or Hinduism may have shunned my reading of the book. However had I not picked it up I wouldn't have understood Jesus teachings as I had.

What I have chosen through prayer and thought is that my spirit, personality, soul, and mind and this sickness I'm battling is occupying the same space. Much like the t.v., the couch, and the coffee table are all in the living room. I am affected by what is in my environment. To say that I have nothing, that I'm not "claiming it" isn't reality to me. It makes me feel crazy. Something is here with me. I am acknowledging that fact. That's real to me. That makes sense in my natural mind.

In my spiritual mind. I believe in healing. I also see hundreds of people in the world who aren't healed in an instant and to me that is OK. No devil is occupying their space. No darkness is living with them. Has anyone thought of how that makes a person feel or think when these things are said? Of course bible stories have spiritual truths in them but I believe people skip them. I don't think they see and understand on the level that it takes to really truly and effectively change and impact someone's life.
People often take each story literally and then apply them to others lives not understanding that when you do not use these stories correctly they can do damage. So while it is important to take responsibility over your own healing, it is also important to be aware of others feelings, state of mind, and spiritual walk when attempting to help them.
Often times I've found listening helps more than anything. Being there is enough. Offering a service assist in getting well.

My truth. I'm living in the same body as an illness. It has effected my way of life. I would like to be healed. However people get sick everyday. I do believe its part of earth, its part of nature because one thing the bible does say that death worketh in us. In our bodies. It doesn't mean I'm dying today. It only means that this body will not be in a state of perfection everyday or any day of my life...... Our fleshly bodies do not live forever. Our spirits do. I do also believe that often times we may not be healed because contrary to popular belief God's will could be something very different than we think it is. He's loving. He's also not superman. He's not saving the day every time a villain comes along. We are responsible for ourselves in this earthly realm. Everything I can do to make sure I'm healthy is up to me! Instructions have already been given. So its my part to use this opportunity, YES, this OPPORTUNITY, to get it right. To do what I can on my end to make sure I'm healthy.

My healing is deeper than surface bodily healing. I think if any glory God will get from this its my ability to still hold on to his unchanging hand as I battle this condition. If he gets glory its in the fact that I gained spiritual nuggets and became closer to him as I continue on this journey. I'd rather grow from this than present a miracle of healing that others will see but not understand. It's a sacrifice but its worth it. That others may know God at a greater capacity than they have ever before. So that people may know truth deeper than they've ever known it. I'd rather do that than be a walking miracle that others will forget within a month.

Everyone deals with problems different. I choose to be realistic. It saves me the mysterious, smokey filled room in which I have to comb through riddles. I like to see it for what it is. I like to face the mountain head on. I like to fight through it. I may win some. I may lose some. Ultimately however, I believe having done the work, I can be a better human being. I will also have made a difference in the lives of others. Impacting them on a greater level.

Many people miss it. Many people don't understand that following God and honoring him isn't in the glitz and glamour. It isn't in the demonstration of power. True power is in love. We don't know that yet. Until we do, I don't believe we will know true power.



Message of Hope:

Dear Becomers know your truth.

I love you Becomers!!!!!!