When I Don't Feel Good.

It's hard explain to others the amount of dis-ease and discomfort you feel when dealing with illness.

Someone calls at nine o'clock and ask how I am. I may be ok in the sense that the pain isn't totally present, my toes aren't being stung by bee's st the moment, and my legs don't feel like I have been burned by an iron. By nine thirty I'll be in that very state.

Life has been unpredictable. Can you imagine the stress of waking up feeling fine and then all of a sudden fatigue sets in. You just want to lay your head down until the fog clears. You may eat or double check to see if you have taken your meds. You battle in your mind about pushing hard versus resting. You have to choose to lay down or keep pushing. Both of them may cost you.

Each day is a different day. I feel good in my soul. My attitude is positive but my body feels weighed down and sluggish. I move very slowly and I don't worry about what others have to say. In those moments I have to endure this. I have to swallow this pill. I have to fight.
And it's hard.

This morning I woke up fine. Within two hours of being awake I feel terrible. I have pulled the covers over me. I decided to write my frustrations. Now because my head feels as if my brain is floating inside of it I'm going to rest.

To my butterflies. Even on hard days work to relate to others and inspire. It's where growth happens.

Mysterious things....No diagnosis.

Over the last few weeks life has been different. I'm pleased to share my experience. It's creating a different me.
I've listened and followed the whispers of the Spirit. I'm sure that I'm to gain a higher awareness of God, and how strong I can be through adversity.

This is a dark place. A place in which everyday I have to think through my actions. I have to think about what it will cost me to react to certain things.

I have to walk still and calm. I have to approach life slowly. I have to purposely choose the moments I engage in.

It's serious for me.

I wish things were different. I wish I wasn't here in this place of pain and suffering.
I read a book once and couldn't commit to finishing it due to the amount of suffering the character endured.
I eventually finished ...I could feel and I had to feel a portion of what the character felt. I had to reason with myself that suffering is part of life. It is a part of life that I will endure. It brings forth treasures unknown.
People who learn to suffer with grace and courage gather pearls of wisdom others in the world don't have.

I can link many reasons to why I'm enduring an illness yet to be officially diagnosed. But I lean toward one particular reason the most .......there's something I will only receive through enduring this journey. Something that will make me a better woman. Something that will link me more to the suffering of man. Something that will cause more compassion to rise in my heart. Something that will cause me to care more and do more for the people in this world. Something that will cause me to speak my truth no matter what.

I watched an episode of Oprah where many told their stories of coping with illness. They spoke of the phase where they couldn't believe what was happening to them and the pain of having your life altered. Finally after some time they found themselves in a pool of acceptance and courage. Then after its all said and done you see the silver lining.

I'm hurting but I'm also praying. I've been in between silver lining, acceptance, anger, and grief. Then press repeat.
I'm uncertain but I'm also believing God. Believing that everything will go as purposed.
I'll fulfill my call.

Having a illness with no definite name is scary. But having to live through it without the light in the midst of it... would be worse.

I'm thankful for the light.

A Journey through Closed Doors.

Before starting today's blog, I was thinking of what I would write. I thought I would start off with, "Dear God.....". I would write a letter to God about my concerns, the closed doors, my frustrations, and plead to him for answers and a clear path through all of my recent struggles.

Those were my plans before I decided to follow up on my last blog post. I read over it to check for mistakes. I read over it and certain things stuck out to me that brought out of all things a smile to my face. Today emotionally was hard. I've cried a few times. I've laid in my bed just with my thoughts and R & B Divas. So needless to say smiling for me was a big deal at that time.

My last blog brought me to an eye opening moment. One I had not had when in my dark state of mind. I wrote about how the strong will continue. I wrote about not giving up when it gets hard. Never giving up even when its rough. I encouraged my daughter to push it to the limit. I encouraged my readers to win the war.

A door was opened up to me today. After it was opened and I was allowed a glimpse into the world of dreams, then the door was shut just as quick. Or should I say a wedge was put between me and it and I'm having a hard time prying it open.

My health issues have definitely put me into a weird head space. Having other opportunities challenge me besides my health really just didn't feel good. It felt as if God was playing tricks on me. As if the powers that be decided to start moving the chess pieces of my life around without consulting me. Without letting me in on the move. As if I should just go along with it and not be disturbed by the shaking of the board.....

I'm finding it to be okay though. I'm not happy about it. I'm not saying that I completely understand where my life is going. I say that I'm making peace with whatever the decision is. I'm making peace because whether the door closes or opens there's a path for me to take. I'll receive the vision. It'll be plain. I'll walk it. I'll succeed in it. I'll prosper in it. I'll win.

I think to myself in this moment, if someone ask, how do you know that you will succeed no matter what? I say to the person in my thoughts, maybe that's me, I say, "I know because I choose so". No matter what this illness could be, no matter what the door does, open or closes, I have a choice to continue striving to build the life that I desire. A life of grace. A life of beauty. A life of enjoyment, and a life of service.

I don't know what God is doing. I can't say I like it or understand it at all. I can say that I'm going to make it through this. I'll have some hard days. I won't be happy all of the time. I'm going through a very hard time in my life and I am realizing that I am only hurting myself by attempting to always keep it together. I choose like my grandmother did, God bless her soul, to cry alone. I don't want pity. I want strength. I don't want I feel sorry for you. I want strength. I want love. I want joy. I want to hear your story before I have to constantly cry about mine. I want strength. Today. Tomorrow I may want a hug. However, hugs make me leak! *Smiles* So less of how I'm doing more of how you are.
It's just how I'm coping.

I cope by sharing my story with you. I write with a person in mind, who's reading this and relating to my story. They understand my emotions. They don't feel as alone. They love themselves greater. They don't count themselves out. They smile more. They heal faster because of the words I've shared. If I've done these things. I'm serving my purpose.

I don't know what will happen with this door I desire to go through. I do know that in the meantime I'm going to keep the faith that no matter what things will be okay. They'll be okay because God has built me to build again, and again, and again. It's not my gift to give up. It's my gift to prevail despite the odds. My prayer is that one day, even though I have to work out kinks, that I get a vacation. That I get a much needed break. That I enjoy my life. That I find peace.


On to Becoming Butterflies......

Do you have it in you?

Today I felt extremely weak. My body was in pain and I didn't want to do much of anything.

I had an appointment today. As I slowly got into my  car, crank it up, the radio starts to play.

I'm settled in and realized one of my favorites is playing. Conqueror by Estelle.

In my illness I start to question, am I really a conqueror?
Do I deserve that title? Am I conquering this illness or is it conquering me?
I turned the radio down, unable to come to terms with the fact that I did not get up, run with the wind, and tackle my issues today.

 I, instead, rested.

I chose to relax my mind and body. And for some reason I felt guilty for doing that. Even though physically I was exhausted and in pain. I had a valid reason to take a seat back today.

I questioned how strong I was. How could I dare sing Estelle's song?

It didn't take long however to pull myself back. Conqueror had gone off the radio by then so I decided to play my Nas CD. I played one of my favorite tracks that says something like, "only the strong will continue, do you have it in you? I know you have it in you, we have a journey to go oh oh..."
The song talks about how the battle gets sour and filled with dread....
Will you continue to fight?

So I turned that song up and I answered Jr. Gong when he asked "will you continue?" I shook my head with a knowing, YES! I'll continue.

A fellow sufferer was upset today because she's endured so much pain. She was tired of being sick. And she felt like she may not be able to fight anymore. I was reminded of my earlier struggle.

I told her that we forget that we are in a war, we may lose small battles, but ultimately we will win the war. Today I wanted to win, and I think I did in a way. Yet, we can't give up the fight. We have a journey to go.

Be inspired my loves to push forward. Go after what matters.

Last but not least, Saturday my family and I went to exercise. My daughter wasn't feeling it. It was too hot. She didn't want to engage.

I didn't feel well. My legs were weak. But I saw my daughter giving up. Isolating herself. Not wanting to participate. I knew in that moment I was her example. So I got beside my daughter and pushed her. I modified the exercise so that we both could do it. I told my daughter no matter what, if you can help it, you never give up.

And I completed the exercise even when my daughter wanted to sit out. I needed to let her see what winning the war looks like. Even when it doesn't feel good.

It's something I'm faced with now. Lesson number 1. No giving up.

Hold me to that!

Good day butterflies.

Walk with me Becomers.....

Today was the big day! I received results from my MRI test.....

October. Trigeminal Neuralgia-21 days of intense facial pain. Heat. Shocks. Stings. Stabs. with no relief. Every hour. For 21 days.

November. Visit the Facial Pain Specialist-yes TN. Lets try this medication....I could talk again without pain. I could eat again without pain. I realized more than anything that I couldn't be silenced. That I had a voice. That I needed to use it. I needed to share the spiritual, life changing, fresh ideas, and blessings that occurred in my life. Lessons I learned through pain.

December. Pain. Facial Pain. I can't stand the cold wind on my face. I'm wearing a scarf in South Carolina. Where it may snow it March! The cold triggered aches and pains. I stayed in the house. I hated it. Maybe everything fought for in October and realized in November had started to simmer down... Not to mention I graduated college. Went to school in pain from the end of October to December. My professor cheered when I could finally talk in class.

January. A visit to Charlotte, NC. TN pain isn't disappearing doc ask? No sir. Well lets up the medication to double what you take now. This medication should be taking care of the pain completely. We need to schedule you an MRI. We need to see if we can get you to the team in Wake Forest, NC. Ok.

February. I applied for several jobs. At least 20 so that I could secure a job in my field. TN was the least of my worries. I felt stronger having defeated 21 days of not being able to speak. I was building confidence in my abilities. I created an awesome CV which led me to great job opportunities with state and local agencies. I remembered in my head... you have a voice. I believed in my chosen field is where I'd begin to effectively use it.

March. I'm working. I'm searching for that place where I believe I will shine. I secured a job. I felt as if I could stand on my own. Operate in my gifts. Fill my shoes. Those especially designed for me.
Pain decided to enter into my life. Doctor visits. MRI's! Frighting MRI machine. No room to think or breathe. A tunnel in which I can see no way in or out. Nothing but ear plugs that were supposed to mask a loud thunder and screech that only made me feel crazy and out of control. Anxiety intense.

April. Working. Depleted. Tired. Exhausted. In pain. My body this time. Tremors. Stings and Stabs. Itching and Burning. No explanation. More blood drawn. More test performed. More opinions made. Test results. Lesions. Nerves. Scared. Frightened.

Today. I asked God what do I do? What is it that you require of me. Impression. Just follow my lead. I see flowers. As if a bouquet was being sent for a wedding. What am I saying goodbye to? My past. My hurt. My pain? My emotional baggage. Had I not cleared that up before. It's why I begin to pour into others. Aha. To heal them as I heal. Not to say that I was already healed. I know that I am not. Now what?

Message of Hope: 
Uncertainty is a beast. A large fluffy one that you may be able to get acquainted with if you learn to trust the process, trust the leading of the spirit to healing waters, even when you can still feel the pain.

I'm still becoming butterflies..... bear with me on this journey. It doesn't feel good. It hurts literally. I've never encountered such a thing before. I've never known pain on such a deep level. I've only known emotional pain. It seems this time around I have to deal with emotional pain, whatever is left of it, in order to be physically pain free. If God decides to heal my mind and not my physical body. Its okay. I think I will have gotten all that I need from him. I think that I'll be better suited for his purpose. That's what I've always wanted anyway... Do with me what you will Lord. Please help me through it. I know that he will. He's been here every step of the way, each time I've needed him.

Walk with me becomers.... who knows what will become of this journey.. I may surprise myself. I may surprise you too! Who knows... whatever God says.

Tell your story!

This week there has been a lot of seeking on my behalf... Looking for whatever it is that God would have me learn during this time of enduring pain and uncertainty.

It's refreshing how after you have prayed a prayer, released it for God to do his magic, a person, a quote, or a circumstance comes along to not only confirm that prayer but lead the way. 

I had that opportunity today. A co-worker and I had a conversation about church.... And why I don't frequent church as much as I used to. 

For years I've disclosed MY PAST to my friends, family, and people who I felt led to share with. I never told strangers unless I felt the need to. My co-worker who is now one of my spiritual brothers, helped me to understand why it is important to be unapologetic-ally me, with my tainted past and all. 

I have been afraid in many ways to tell my story in its entirety because I don't want to hurt my family. I am learning though that I am hurting as well. My healing comes from releasing the burden of my past. Releasing the burden of my past happens when I tell my story. Simple right......

My Big sis, mother in the spirit, Iyanla Vanzant, says, after some point you quit telling your story. I believe that in the sense of rehashing, and opening old wounds however, to tell your story again can also be healing for you. More importantly its healing for those who may be in the shoes you were in 20, 10, or even 5 years ago. Telling your story can be the breakthrough that someone needs to get to the next place in life. 

I was molested as a child and my life felt like a prison that I couldn't wait to break free from. I've told this story before. I forget that I've shared because if it could be non-existent I'd prefer that. I know though that it provides greater benefits for those who hear it. 

 I had a baby at 15 years of age and lost it. Holding a dead child in your arms who only for a few minutes had a heartbeat isn't the image I get when I think of 15 year old girls. Yet, it was my image. 

Got a job at the age of 16 years old. When I bought my first pair of shoes with my own money I thought I had arrived! Who was I fooling?

 I had a drug addicted parent that worried me silly. I wanted to fix my parent, however, I was just as broken. 

  I was pregnant again by the time I was 17 years old. The senior picture guy didn't know I was pregnant and gave me a lecture on how it was good that I hadn't got pregnant yet. So many girls waste their lives getting pregnant while in high school. 

My prenatal doctor told me that I wouldn't graduate and that I would be on welfare. She told me that this happened to young black girls like me. Its generational and my kid would probably end up on food stamps and welfare too. I didn't believe her. I was angry and decided to do something different. I graduated! 

I picked on as a kid. I was nervous. I was scared of people. I didn't trust any of them. I hated the people who did me wrong. I almost hated God. This is my story.

I would cry out to God in the middle of the night. I wanted to be saved. It seemed to be no savior. 

Life has a funny way of turning around on you though. Bringing folks along to wake you up, to shake the dust off you, and start you on your way even when you feel like you've lost it. 

This is my story. 

I was a sad human being. I was often angry too but mostly hurt. I didn't know who was for me. I didn't know who cared and I'll be crazy as a blind bat before I cared enough about somebody that I would allow them to hurt me. I wouldn't let people close to me.

My story. 

Painful yes. I had good days too. Like playing with my cousins over my grandmothers house. Eating red dirt! Playing in the big ole drainage systems, and walking around the block with my family. I have great memories of eating ice-cream with grandma and going to parties with my uncles and aunts. I have beautiful memories of my mothers smile and the days she used to take us to get our nails done. I remember these things. I am grateful for them, they are also part of my story. 

The pain in my life though, is the thing that has developed who I am today. 

Back then, I had chosen that I wasn't lovable and I wasn't worthy. I was ugly. 

Well today,I am growing into the woman I hope to be. She's peeking through the clouds like the sunshine after the storm. Bright and Bold. 

My talk with my co-worker helped me see that even after all of that pain. I am here today. I have the ability to stand tall, to stare the truth right in the eye, and dare to live by it. I'm here right now, right here to live a life that is beautiful. 

I have come to the conclusion that I have to live as the strong, loving, beautiful, woman I am. With all of my flaws.  

My light is unapologetic, it shines whether I try to hide it or not. I have to stand up in who I am whether people approve or not. I have to live my life as if I want to live forever and a day. I have to do the things that preserve my life and nurture my spirit. I have to live in a way that is powerful. That is courageous  and gracious all at the same time. 

Being this light that I am takes a special elixir of pain, grace, love, strength, endurance, and MORE LOVE! I've drank the elixir.  I don't always like what comes with it... it causes me to hide.

One of my professors praised me in front of my peers once. I cringed! I told her I didn't like it. I meant it. In my experience, often times when someone mentions the good things about you, others look with eyes of envy, of jealousy, of covetousness. I don't like those looks. It's like lions coming after you and you are an unsuspecting antelope. No time to run because the lion has already spotted you. What does he want? Well of course the lion wants to consume you. To eat all of you, and to make you a part of himself. 

I am more like a cheetah, blending in with my surroundings, and focused on my goal, my purpose. I don't need to be seen. I don't need to be out in the open. I need to be hidden. 

A scripture then comes to me during my conversation with my newest brother! 

Matthew 5:15

........nor does anyone light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on the lamp-stand, and it gives light to all who are in the house

This scripture ends my post for tonight. 

I leave my readers with this.
 No matter what you have encountered throughout your life time. You have the ability to become all that you desire to be and more. Our God, Our Source, has all of the power in the world and he's filled you with that same power. Don't worry about what you have done. Where you have been. Tell your story for the benefit of others. Don't be ashamed of who you are. Don't worry about what others say. For every one naysayer, there's many who have experienced just a snippet of your life and need the words that you offer. These words will heal many. My task, to not let anyone put a basket over my lamp! To let my light so shine before men! To be myself unapologetic-ally. 

Through the Storm

No one could have ever told me a year ago that I would have been the sufferer of a rare but major chronic pain condition called Trigeminal Neuralgia.

I couldn't have foreseen it.

I don't think I would have believed it because the path I have been on is one of purpose and determination.

I don't think I ever envisioned something like this being a storm I'd have to PASS THROUGH in order to reach my divine destination.

When you picture in your mind the road it will take to get to your dream, you may see a few yield signs, yellow flashing lights, you may even think of some detours. How often do you think of a chronic condition being one of those flashing yellow lights?

This journey has been painful. It has been emotional. It has been tiring and outright exhausting.

My spiritual walk has been put on the line. What do I believe, who do I believe, and how are these faith principles working in my life right now?

I've been known to be a woman of faith. People hear me speak and automatically say, "I know you are a woman of God". I don't have to speak of my faith.

Right now in this moment, as a woman of faith, a woman who believes God to do the impossible through his earthly vessels (you and me), in this moment I am seeking God to find out why this is my current situation and what is it that I must gain through this experience.

My spirit says, there's something to gain. Something spiritual in nature. This experience will make something out of me that I had not fathomed before. I know it will.

When I first became sick. I was stronger in my opinion and what I stood for. It made me stand up within myself with less apologies. I'm still becoming.....

I have grown throughout my life, working to become a strong woman, like one I've seen before. Graceful but Mighty in Strength!

I have worked toward being this woman. She doesn't come without a price. She's costly. Money can't buy her.... its worth fades against her character. The world I'm not sure is ready for her... But she is coming.

I know now more than I have before, what this #TN journey means... its a revealing of who I am in Christ. In his consciousness, in his light, and more than anything in his love. It's a telling about his grace. It's a telling about what he looks like for real. Who better to understand Christ, than one who suffers and needs his touch.

Having never suffered you may not know him as I have learned him. I am not boasting... but giving my perception. The bible says we must die with him that we might live with him. Another scripture says I die daily.....

I think I'm somewhere on that path of spiritual rebirth and aliveness. I have to gain these nuggets of wisdom and I have to live upright.

I believe people may need me in a capacity that I can't quite fathom.

My prayer:

God use me. It's always been my prayer. It's what my life has been about. Purpose. His people. His love. His gracious love. In the most purest form that I can deliver it from this human body... I would like to give that to others.

I'm not perfect. I'd like to get close to it in spirituality as I can. Perfection meaning pure, unadulterated, clean, holy, and righteous, integral love and compassion.

I want to reach that high place. It goes deep and I believe my journey through illness is creating that space for me.

I haven't even began to bend to this journey yet as I should. I'm still caught in the emotions of it. It HURTS! Physically and emotionally the pain is deep.

But I know that God is with me, and if he's with me then he's leading and guiding me through this process. I must get it all before I can move on to greater.

It's spiritual.

I believe I'm going to get it.

My life has been set up in such a way that I will.

Through the storm Butterflies, don't get caught up in the pain. Pray your way through it. Gather all of the support you can from family and friends. Tell your story it will help keep you free. Love everybody even when you'd rather close the door and not love at all.

Through the storm LIVE.


-Sharhonda Kirksey