PTSD......THE MENTAL ILLNESS THAT INVADES.

My chest feels like someone has sat one of those 1 ton blocks on top of it. My body feels as if I've been in a fight, I imagine. My emotions on a scale of 1 to 10, one being extremely sad and ten being extremely happy, I'm at a three. I say three because I have to keep hope alive.
As the title suggest, I'm letting all my readers know I suffer from mental illness. Its a trait that is in my family that unfortunately was also largely overlooked. PTSD and Depression have been my friends. Today they are the worst friends ever. Don't know what I did to trigger them. I don't know why they chose today out of all days to visit in such a strong manner but they are here. I'm feeling very weak, low, anxious, and afraid.
I deactivated my Facebook account today because my friends are so close to me right now that I don't have room for the 1000+ Facebook friends I have. I kept telling myself I spent way to much time on social media anyway. My friends inspired me to take a beak, end the addiction, and let it go for real. So I did.
I wish I could erase this part of my life. Take it off the books. I said you know maybe things will get better if I make a fresh start. Truth is any start I make my friends would know exactly where to find me. I can't get rid of them, believe me I've tried. Medications, positive thinking, prayer, meditation, had faith, coping skills, talk therapy, exercise. I just can't ditch PTSD & Depression.
I guess I'm sharing this today to normalize it, share with others who may deal with mental health issues and to let you know that even though another more fun, less fearful life would be ideal its not reality. I'm a mother and Wife. I'm a psychology student, and working to start my own business and non profit organization. I have several other things I have dreamt of doing. In my life there have been places where PTSD has completely invaded. Jobs I've had and enjoyed for the most part I quit prematurely because the threat seemed greater than anything and my fight or flight response is geared to run first and think later. I've ended relationships and seperated myself from people whom I didn't trust. It can work for my favor but sometimes it may hurt those that truly cared for me as a friend. Its complicated!
Its frustrating. I get angry. I look to God often and wonder why did he deal this life to me? Its hard. Sometimes I don't know if I want to continue but I have no choice. I feel its imperative that I do LIVE to show others that I can beat this. That WE can manage. We can live any way we desire and no one can stop you except for you. That doesn't always feel good hearing but its the truth. Living past depression for me is a choice. The lows are deadly. The lows are life threatening. They have no mercy. It doesn't mean I can't win. It doesn't mean I can't move forward. Its a choice everyday to live. If I lay down to die today I may have touched someone but not to the degree that I would have had I stood up against mental illness and told my story.

Becomers, on your way to becoming don't give in and don't give up. Its hard. It sucks! But there's beauty in life and we must make a choice. Do things, engage in things, experience on purpose the things that bring you life, love, and laughter. Today I talked with my kids about how they liked bowling last night. The smiles they give helps me. I'm encouraged through them and I take it one day at a time. I don't worry about tomorrow on days like this. I focus on todays task, things in my immediate control, and I take in all the beauty I can for that day.
My world is a bit slower today for me but that's okay......I'm still here.
I'm still becoming!

The picture below is a pic I took of a string that fell from my pants as I was sitting on my front porch. It fell in this exact way. I love music. Its beautiful that this string fell in this way at a time when I needed to be reminded of the beauty in the earth and the God-Divine Energy who brought it all into being.

Blessings to you!

Build your strength!

How many times have you been knocked down?
How many places in life have you encountered people, or situations that seem to push you back more steps than you feel you've taken forward?
How many times has everything you strive for, wish for, and hoped for seemed impossible?

Along this journey I've encountered major set backs. Financial strains and emotional rollercoasters have been the seat I've been belted in for the last few months. Almost like a car accident in which a rescue person will have to come cut the belt off of me to be free.
This is my struggle.
I've read stories where people borrow money, but what if your credit is bad? Stories where people get grants,but where do I even start with that?
The idea was to get things up and running pretty quick. However, so many set backs have presented themselves like spraining your ankle and losing the last two weeks of pay at the job you were transitioning away from into your own business.
Now I'm jobless and struggling to build a business with literally nothing. I keep thinking of all the things I could do different. I don't know what will work. I'm applying for part time jobs to cover cost of building this business. Its rough.
In the midst of that being a mother, wife, and student I'm pressed about financial aid, bills, my overall vision, things I need to get done, my health, and the list goes on.
My situation can be magnified and more complicated when you factor in my fight with the effects of PTSD in my life.
I'm in no way perfect. I don't have it all together.
I have flaws but I'm trying. I'm working on everything that I can to make my dreams come true. Even though I'm always worried about my age and how long will it take me to reach a level of personal fulfillment and financial stability, I have the awesome ability to fight through despair and remain hopeful.
When I post blogs, when I speak to others and they tell me how I've inspired them, when I look back from the places I've been I'm hopeful and I'm determined to fight for what I envision. I just don't have it in me to completely give up. I get absolutely burnt out. I have been severely depressed. I have lonely lows.
I guess overall no matter those obstacles I desire deeply to live, to live out what I feel is my purpose, and to do that effectively. I feel like these things I'm striving for are my life. If I don't do this there's nothing else I want to do. With all the fuel I have in me I want to stand up for people who need encouragement, hope, and life. That's why I'm here.
I'm trying to create a vehicle to make my visions and ideas a reality.
In order for me to be successful at that I have to push past all barriers. I can no longer accept no. I have to give it all I have and push myself to the limits until I reach my desired end. I can't expect anyone else to do that for me.

Becomers my job is hard. My payoff will be worth it.
Don't get discouraged. Push anyway and I'm convinced things will work out in our favor!

-Sharhonda

Forsaken but not forgotten.

This morning I sit out here on my porch and I am thankful for the places in life God has brought me through. I'm even more thankful that I moved through them and didn't get stuck. Adaptability is a trait that you must acquire on your way to becoming. One of the greatest things I believe you have to become accustomed to is loss. You lose things by taking risk and you also lose relationships, friends, and family.
It can be very heartbreaking. I recently watched a YouTube video that talked about how a friendship break up felt like a girlfriend/boyfriend break up. The feelings involved both are to me like grieving a loss. Something that was meaningful to you has now for one reason or another been lost. In many instances there's no room for recovery. It's dead as a door knob. Guess what Becomers......that's ok. It is okay to lose something in that it's a part of life. When relationships fail it's the death of a thing. As my sister Iyanla Vanzant puts it when discussing the age old marriage vows "Till death do us part"....it could be not only death of a marriage itself but death of trust, death of intimacy, death of respect, death of anything that normally holds that friendship together. And I say just like the death of anything mourn if you must but gather yourself back together and move on. We will be or feel forsaken, abandoned, and left behind in this game of life. You will meet people who you love and trust. You both will have a perception about each other. When you are no longer seeing that person in the same light it's up to you to communicate that with each other. If it can't be resolved there in lies the death in that relationship. After reaching out and trying then it seems best to let it go.
Pain isn't always so bad. I'll say that again. Pain isn't always so bad. I had to repeat that to myself! I've heard this over and over and could never grasp or put together pain and good in the same sentence. But I can see in this instance how the pain works in your favor. It first indicates that something was lost, secondly it opens the for you to reassess where you are in life, who your friends are, and what you can do differently in future relationships, and thirdly it builds your endurance on the way to becoming! See yourself even a month from now responding within in your relationships with better clarity. See yourself a year from now maybe losing anything but having built strength to weather the storm and get back to becoming! And if nothing else pain is a motivator.

Quick story: My 8 year old was outside riding his bicycle and the neighbors kids started whispering and pointing at him. They have a history of antagonizing my son. My son gets discouraged and gets off his bike and comes into the house. I tell my son one monkey doesn't stop the show. He didn't quite understand. So I said if you were at the circus and you were enjoying the show. One monkey happens to fall off, you would still want to see the elephants dance! (that's my wild imagination). I said what if they just shut the entire circus down.
My son continues to look at me, wanting to be hugged and kissed because he hurts so bad. I said son if you were out their winning and somebody tells you that you can't, you don't sit on the sidelines, no you don't let them stop the show. You keep winning! My little 8 year old no longer needs hugs at this point. The competitive side in him awakened. He stood up and started walking toward the front door. I said wait where are you going? My son replies "I'm going back out to get on my bike like you said."

I had a proud mother moment in that hour because he got up and stood his ground. He didn't let the situation defeat him. My son wants acceptance just like the rest of the human race. Often times the same race of people that yearn for love reject those who need it. Even if we are rejected, cut off, or forsaken we have no excuse to lay down our joy. We have no excuse to lay down our passions. We have no excuse to put down anything that brings us life. Anything that fulfills you, brings you joy do not put it down because of a loss or disappointment. Cry if you must, but get up, dust off, and keep pursuing.

Life has a funny way of teaching us valuable lessons but it's important that we listen.

In the title of this blog it says.....but not forgotten.
We aren't forgotten because even in the loss of things, some things still remain. We learn to appreciate those things more because of loss. I also believe that life will balance us out. You have lost but you will gain and I have faith that whatever you gain will be meaningful and fulfilling. It'll be just what the Dr. ordered!

On your way to becoming butterflies don't let a loss detour you from your goals and your belief in who you are as a person. You matter. You are important.I pray you gain people in your life who affirm that.
Close that chapter. Turn the worries off in your head and keep going. Life has greater things awaiting!

Great words from The Queen Code

I decided to share this Facebook post because it says all I need for this moment of my journey. It may as well bless, encourage, or motivate someone else

Changes...that's what LOVE makes one do....

I'm writing to clear my own heart and mind today so bear with me becomers.
I've been going through some tough transitions lately and it's quite excruciating. I'm being pushed every day to be better than I was before. I want to be better. I want to improve. I also have to be honest. Looking in the mirror and seeing the parts of yourself that hold yourself back is hard. It's a truth and reality that many people will not face. I've noticed that there are behaviors I've adopted that in the past helped me survive but here in my present-future they don't work. My way of communicating is on the verge of going extinct and if I don't evolve all that I'm striving for could possibly become someone else's possession. I could become a part of the species that won't and can't survive long because of my inability to adapt. I can't let that be me but I can't seem to always get my dreams, my passions to meet up with my will. Or my will isn't strong enough to catch up with my dreams. It's like my brain is in full effect however the message isn't transmitting well to the rest of my body. I feel all of the emotions that comes along with making dreams reality. I can taste the greatness dancing on my tongue but I can't seem to manifest this dream.
It's so frustrating. I wonder if anyone relates.......
I can see myself sometimes standing at this bridge that I should cross but my faith turns to fear and the bridge I was sure was there turns into a huge hallow space with dark figures grabbing at my legs trying to pull me down. Now I'm afraid to cross. What if they pull me down?
What if I fail? What if my words born fail? What if I've made a fool of myself in front of all these people? So many what ifs!
I would be telling a lie to myself and all my readers if I profess to have the capability to move through this phase of my life without fear, setbacks, drawbacks, procrastination, or frustration. I have all of those things and then some. You'd think that after all I have been through I'd have mastered some of this already. One thing I've laid hold of is how to survive. Unfortunately while those skills are needed they don't work anymore.
Now, I have to thrive if I'm to change lives as I hope to do. I'm to thrive if I'm destined to impact our youth. I'm to thrive if I'm to be an author and sexual abuse advocate. I'm to thrive now!
This phase to becoming is stressful. It's tiring. It's exhausting.
It's like running your race and moving forward and then curiously taking a look back as you run forward. You see the world behind you tumbling down while in front of you is greatness and promise. Because the past is falling you can't help but think will that be my future to? What if who I was then shows up now? You slow down running because in some weird fashion you'd rather have that trash behind you rather than the greater things before you because at least you know what will happen. You know how to survive there.
The longer you look back the harder it is to break free from the old things that no longer work.
All while your past tugs on you your future does to and the longing in your soul desires to move forward but your mind hadn't caught up yet. It's telling you to do two things. Which do you choose because you can feel the tug from both of them.
What a place to be in. Striving to move forward toward the things you love and desire while your past grasp at your feet.
Maybe a new perspective is what I need here.
Instead of seeing my past as doom and gloom I'm attempting to escape I can see it as a stepping stone that is ushering me into the woman I'm becoming. Maybe as I run forward I glimpse back at my troubles and see them as harsh realities of the world I live in, reminders that I was created to bring hope, a flower out of concrete, a rainbow from a storm, a "me from the rubble of the past". I'm designed to set someone free. To bring forth queens from the dirt and mire. It's for me to stick my hand out and pull them up from the mess. I run forward into promise do I can go back as a stronger individual. More equipped and prepared and I'll give hope to those who were struggling through that trash with me.
That vision of hope keeps me going. I need to remember that when I feel I can't go another day. Number one. I MATTER. Number two. I CAN'T GIVE UP NOW. Number three. IT'S POSSIBLE.
I don't profess to be completely healed. I can't say at the end of this blog post I'll get up in the morning bright and early with a solution to all the problems I've encountered on the way to becoming but I will say that I will push forward. I will not give up. There are people I desire to help. They need what I have to offer. I'm willing to share. I can win this race if I endure to the end.

Remain hopeful becomers. It's not in vain. Your vision was given to manifest at the appropriate time. Let God have his way. Let nature take it's course. Everything comes forth in it's season.
For me. Hope is what I have. Hope is what I share. Hope is what I now stand in. I'm becoming.

Need a helping hand?

Yesterday I woke up with a migraine. I hate having them and when I do I feel as if I can't carry on throughout my day. I took some Excedrin and waited for the pain in my head and neck to subside. So as you can see my morning already started off nonproductive! I was feeling miserable and thank God my husband was here to say "babe don't worry just get some rest". I was worried though about bills, about completing task, about making sure my house was clean. I had several things on my mind. Trying to rest was becoming an impossible task. 

It's a hassle. It's very frustrating. It's down right aggravating when you are already struggling to make a dream come true and then you have other things climbing on top of your huge pile of things to do! It absolutely bothers me. I have at least 10 things on my to do list that I need to complete by the end of the week. Yesterday I spent half my morning in bed. I thought of all of the great people who suffered before me. I thought of all of the the things they endured but still had the strength to carry on. I was bothered by the fact that I couldn't push past this migraine. 

I'd like to say in this story that I did push past it but the truth is I probably didn't get up and going until 1pm. Yep that sucks! But its the truth. 

I have to resolve within myself that just because something came along and set me back a few hours doesn't mean I didn't try hard enough. I push myself very hard and probably sometimes to hard. I needed that rest. 

Later yesterday evening I had school. I had to meet with my adviser. While sitting and talking with her I explained other my current situation. How I'm literally living day to day for  provision of the things we need. I told her that its been hard. Its been a struggle to complete this degree, to build my business, to continue on pushing because it seems the odds are always against me. 

She looked me in my eyes and she told me that I was going to have a great testimony to tell. She said, "Do you know how many people you are going to be able to help by sharing your testimony?" Tears started to well up in my eyes. She said I"m prophesying that to you. OMG people! I could barely hold it inside. The emotions in me were just so full. She didn't know that walking into her office that day that I'd need to hear those words. It was right on time. 

I went to church last Sunday and the pastor said, "What you have is enough for the victory", meaning it doesn't matter what you don't have just keep pursuing with what you do have. It's enough and you will get that which you are in pursuit of. It's a timeless truth. It spreads across all faiths, and denominations. It's universal. It doesn't matter what you have, its what you do with what you have. 

I thank God for hearing these words this week because its been a definite struggle. Yet, I'm still standing. I'm still writing, and I'm still pursuing my dreams. 

My husband says that it all could be a test.I told him I'm so done with test. I feel like my entire life has been a test! Even in my frustration I understand that there are levels to this. You can't walk into your new purpose, vision, dream, or goal with the same mindset, attitude,or way of being that you had before. 

Something has to change in you that causes you to adapt to your new surroundings. It's called evolution. Survival of the fittest. Are you going to adapt or fail to succeed? 

I'm thankful today for the people I feel God has sent to speak into my life at the precise time that I needed it. 

I needed a helping hand and I got just what I needed. My message is don't give up. No matter what. Don't give in. Just go out and do the best with what you have. If you get sick and can't possible pursue for a few days, then hey wait it out. Life doesn't stop. The earth turns faithfully everyday without regard to whats happening inside of it. We have to do the same. We have to be consistent and persevere. We can't stop pursuing due to setbacks or delays. 

I hope this reaches someone, touches someone, or impacts a life. If it touches you do share. If you think it'll touch someone else please do share. Thanks Becomers!