My chest feels like someone has sat one of those 1 ton blocks on top of it. My body feels as if I've been in a fight, I imagine. My emotions on a scale of 1 to 10, one being extremely sad and ten being extremely happy, I'm at a three. I say three because I have to keep hope alive.
As the title suggest, I'm letting all my readers know I suffer from mental illness. Its a trait that is in my family that unfortunately was also largely overlooked. PTSD and Depression have been my friends. Today they are the worst friends ever. Don't know what I did to trigger them. I don't know why they chose today out of all days to visit in such a strong manner but they are here. I'm feeling very weak, low, anxious, and afraid.
I deactivated my Facebook account today because my friends are so close to me right now that I don't have room for the 1000+ Facebook friends I have. I kept telling myself I spent way to much time on social media anyway. My friends inspired me to take a beak, end the addiction, and let it go for real. So I did.
I wish I could erase this part of my life. Take it off the books. I said you know maybe things will get better if I make a fresh start. Truth is any start I make my friends would know exactly where to find me. I can't get rid of them, believe me I've tried. Medications, positive thinking, prayer, meditation, had faith, coping skills, talk therapy, exercise. I just can't ditch PTSD & Depression.
I guess I'm sharing this today to normalize it, share with others who may deal with mental health issues and to let you know that even though another more fun, less fearful life would be ideal its not reality. I'm a mother and Wife. I'm a psychology student, and working to start my own business and non profit organization. I have several other things I have dreamt of doing. In my life there have been places where PTSD has completely invaded. Jobs I've had and enjoyed for the most part I quit prematurely because the threat seemed greater than anything and my fight or flight response is geared to run first and think later. I've ended relationships and seperated myself from people whom I didn't trust. It can work for my favor but sometimes it may hurt those that truly cared for me as a friend. Its complicated!
Its frustrating. I get angry. I look to God often and wonder why did he deal this life to me? Its hard. Sometimes I don't know if I want to continue but I have no choice. I feel its imperative that I do LIVE to show others that I can beat this. That WE can manage. We can live any way we desire and no one can stop you except for you. That doesn't always feel good hearing but its the truth. Living past depression for me is a choice. The lows are deadly. The lows are life threatening. They have no mercy. It doesn't mean I can't win. It doesn't mean I can't move forward. Its a choice everyday to live. If I lay down to die today I may have touched someone but not to the degree that I would have had I stood up against mental illness and told my story.
Becomers, on your way to becoming don't give in and don't give up. Its hard. It sucks! But there's beauty in life and we must make a choice. Do things, engage in things, experience on purpose the things that bring you life, love, and laughter. Today I talked with my kids about how they liked bowling last night. The smiles they give helps me. I'm encouraged through them and I take it one day at a time. I don't worry about tomorrow on days like this. I focus on todays task, things in my immediate control, and I take in all the beauty I can for that day.
My world is a bit slower today for me but that's okay......I'm still here.
I'm still becoming!
The picture below is a pic I took of a string that fell from my pants as I was sitting on my front porch. It fell in this exact way. I love music. Its beautiful that this string fell in this way at a time when I needed to be reminded of the beauty in the earth and the God-Divine Energy who brought it all into being.
Blessings to you!
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