I've been going through some tough transitions lately and it's quite excruciating. I'm being pushed every day to be better than I was before. I want to be better. I want to improve. I also have to be honest. Looking in the mirror and seeing the parts of yourself that hold yourself back is hard. It's a truth and reality that many people will not face. I've noticed that there are behaviors I've adopted that in the past helped me survive but here in my present-future they don't work. My way of communicating is on the verge of going extinct and if I don't evolve all that I'm striving for could possibly become someone else's possession. I could become a part of the species that won't and can't survive long because of my inability to adapt. I can't let that be me but I can't seem to always get my dreams, my passions to meet up with my will. Or my will isn't strong enough to catch up with my dreams. It's like my brain is in full effect however the message isn't transmitting well to the rest of my body. I feel all of the emotions that comes along with making dreams reality. I can taste the greatness dancing on my tongue but I can't seem to manifest this dream.
It's so frustrating. I wonder if anyone relates.......
I can see myself sometimes standing at this bridge that I should cross but my faith turns to fear and the bridge I was sure was there turns into a huge hallow space with dark figures grabbing at my legs trying to pull me down. Now I'm afraid to cross. What if they pull me down?
What if I fail? What if my words born fail? What if I've made a fool of myself in front of all these people? So many what ifs!
I would be telling a lie to myself and all my readers if I profess to have the capability to move through this phase of my life without fear, setbacks, drawbacks, procrastination, or frustration. I have all of those things and then some. You'd think that after all I have been through I'd have mastered some of this already. One thing I've laid hold of is how to survive. Unfortunately while those skills are needed they don't work anymore.
Now, I have to thrive if I'm to change lives as I hope to do. I'm to thrive if I'm destined to impact our youth. I'm to thrive if I'm to be an author and sexual abuse advocate. I'm to thrive now!
This phase to becoming is stressful. It's tiring. It's exhausting.
It's like running your race and moving forward and then curiously taking a look back as you run forward. You see the world behind you tumbling down while in front of you is greatness and promise. Because the past is falling you can't help but think will that be my future to? What if who I was then shows up now? You slow down running because in some weird fashion you'd rather have that trash behind you rather than the greater things before you because at least you know what will happen. You know how to survive there.
The longer you look back the harder it is to break free from the old things that no longer work.
All while your past tugs on you your future does to and the longing in your soul desires to move forward but your mind hadn't caught up yet. It's telling you to do two things. Which do you choose because you can feel the tug from both of them.
What a place to be in. Striving to move forward toward the things you love and desire while your past grasp at your feet.
Maybe a new perspective is what I need here.
Instead of seeing my past as doom and gloom I'm attempting to escape I can see it as a stepping stone that is ushering me into the woman I'm becoming. Maybe as I run forward I glimpse back at my troubles and see them as harsh realities of the world I live in, reminders that I was created to bring hope, a flower out of concrete, a rainbow from a storm, a "me from the rubble of the past". I'm designed to set someone free. To bring forth queens from the dirt and mire. It's for me to stick my hand out and pull them up from the mess. I run forward into promise do I can go back as a stronger individual. More equipped and prepared and I'll give hope to those who were struggling through that trash with me.
That vision of hope keeps me going. I need to remember that when I feel I can't go another day. Number one. I MATTER. Number two. I CAN'T GIVE UP NOW. Number three. IT'S POSSIBLE.
I don't profess to be completely healed. I can't say at the end of this blog post I'll get up in the morning bright and early with a solution to all the problems I've encountered on the way to becoming but I will say that I will push forward. I will not give up. There are people I desire to help. They need what I have to offer. I'm willing to share. I can win this race if I endure to the end.
For me. Hope is what I have. Hope is what I share. Hope is what I now stand in. I'm becoming.
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