In Limbo

Over the last few weeks it's no secret that I have endured a few health issues that have yet to be diagnosed. It is no surprise that I'm often frustrated with the pain I feel and with the lack of answers I have. 

Today I saw a neurologist. I went to this neurologist thinking, "Surely I'll get some answers today!". I was nervous but excited that I'd finally gotten around to a doctor that just may understand my pain and know how to best serve me. I thought that I'd finally get to the bottom of this mysterious illness and be able to get treatment for whatever it is that has slowly interrupted my life. 

Instead I received a paper with a list of test the doc wants me to receive. A list of blood work and another MRI that I need performed to rule out all of the dis-eases it could be or could not be. I have to submit myself to more needles and tightly enclosed spaces until the results decide whether I have any of the listed dis-eases or not. 

I was angry. I was hurt. I did not get what I expected. Instead I got a fast talking doctor who no doubt was an expert in his field but didn't realize I was a human being whose life has been turned completely around due to a mysterious illness. He didn't sense the fear I felt, nor the anxiety that pumped along with the beat of my heart. He didn't see the courage it took to not call him and say I cancel the appointment and I refuse to take a chance of discovering another life altering health scare. He didn't see that I had to have the guts to invite a friend with me who would be allowed into a very sacred place in my life in order for me to feel okay to even go on this doctor visit. He simply didn't see. 

There I was sitting in this room with no life except for a picture of three girls sitting by a peaceful river. This painting situated in a room where I felt no peace. I worried. I felt full of emotion. I was afraid of the unknown and even though I prayed and had several pray for me, my uncertainties remained. I wasn't sure how I would walk out of that hospital. I had no idea what would be said to me and I wasn't prepared for the doctor to tell me that he had no idea what it was. He said plainly, "It doesn't matter what I think. The test is what tells you what you have". I just wanted closure, as my friend clearly understood as she tried offering words to comfort me. I wanted something to help me understand my life at this point. Why am I suffering this? What is this? How do I treat it? What does this mean my quality of life will be like? So many questions and no clear answers offered except, "What I can tell you is I'm going to run the necessary test until we can figure out what it is and treat it". 

As you can imagine I was very enthusiastic! NOT! I cried. I was angry. I was frustrated. I was sure I understood my symptoms better than the doctor. I have researched my symptoms. I have compared them to other diseases that mimic what I thought it could be. I can't see it being anything else. I'm sure of what I think it could be. It means nothing without test to confirm. 

So I walked away realizing that the magic word, the spiritual nugget, the word for the day was WAIT. Oh, there is a scripture I love that I mention often when going through things. That scripture says, " 3Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us". 

This scripture reminds me of who I aspire to be, not only strong, but a woman who can and will endure, a woman who has good character, and a woman who can see that after having endured, I saw the change that endurance brings about and it makes me hopeful for the future. 

Oh but the waiting! The frustration of waiting. When you don't know what the answer is. When you don't know what the symptoms mean. When you don't know what the doc thinks. When you don't know why exactly this thing is happening to you. All you can do is  wait. No answers are coming. No one has the right thing to say. God isn't revealing anything huge. All you can do is wait. 
It sucks! But the truth is its building your endurance. Because you've learned to endure it strengthens your character. Because you can see yourself uphold good character you have hope! When you've stood the test, didn't buckle under pressure, didn't take the easy way out, it says something about who you are. It also says that to yourself, "If I can handle this, maintain integrity and endure, then surely I can do that with other challenges". I believe this challenge for me will  make others easy. 

But OHHH the waiting! 

Today when I asked for prayer. One of my Facebook friends said to me, "Sharhonda don't you worry about anything. You just walk out of there the same way you walked in, and that's Strong." With strength and courage I walked into that doc office. I left feeling defeated but by the end of it I found my strength again.

In waiting I have to trust that the process is going as it should. I have several worries but each day requires prayer to help me follow the lead of the Spirit. It will take me time to get used to the way life is now. Prayerfully the test will come back and I'll get answers. Until then.... may patience have her perfect work.

Thanks for going along this journey with me Becomers! I'm often ranting but I hope that you find hope in my post. I hope that you can see that no matter what, I'm fighting to stay positive, to manifest my dreams, and to inspire others. If I'm not doing those things I'm not living my purpose. I am destined to live! Live on purpose!

So if you are in LIMBO Becomers, don't rush through it. I"m sure there's much to be learned in that place. Embrace it. Hold on for dear life. Endure and take it one day at a time. Soon enough the answers you seek will come froth.

I love you all!

Thanks for reading!!!!!

My Truth.

After being diagnosed with Trigeminal Neuralgia in October 2014. I really set out to discover the spiritual significance of my experience with a rare but painful illness.
I learned things about myself that made a difference in who I am and how I present myself to the world. I'm still becoming in that area.

Over the last six months or so I have developed an even stranger illness that effects various parts of my body in different ways, and at different times of the day. It has no preference of which symptom I'll experience when, it just comes and goes as it pleases.

During the course of feeling the way I have I've head to really explore the things I've said to others during times of grief or illness. I'm now in that very place I've attempted to help others become strong in. I've tried to comfort others and assist them in making it through their hardships with good intentions. I look back and wonder if there were times where my words did more damage than good.

I write this blog post today because I have to be honest about my truth. I write because the good intended words of comfort I have received sometimes sting more than they comfort. In the moment when you are confused and hurt, people come to you with words they think will encourage because its scripture.  People question your spirituality when you are sick. They conclude that you are far away from God and there's something that you need to do in order to be well. People jump right in to fix you because obviously your ailment has to do with some sin you have committed against God.

I could rant on these ideals forever, but allow me to interject the positive. People do their best to comfort you. To assist you through your hard times. They really want you better and often times they have no idea what to say. I had to take responsibility for my healing in these moments. I can't play the victim. I have to be proactive and say, "can you please not tell me that everything is okay because obviously its not okay right now". I have to make mention, "I know that God heals but in this moment this is what I feel and how I am coping right now". I have to let others know that "I don't want you calling me on the phone and telling me not to claim a sickness that I can clearly feel and see, it makes me crazy". *You can laugh because I did* :)
 For people who may be enduring anything in life, not just sickness, but any trial that is known to man, such as losing a loved one or suffering divorce; You can't not allow others to dictate the way you cope, or dictate the path you take to your healing. As my dad has taught me, that is between you and God.

For instance, I  had trouble forgiving a family member who did me wrong. I did not understand the depths of forgiveness and what to do until I read The Wisdom of Forgiveness by  Dalai Lama. I didn't find myself able to forgive until it was explained to me through the reading of this book. That was my pathway to forgiveness and I absolutely believe that was the path God lead me on. Others who don't believe in Buddhism or Hinduism may have shunned my reading of the book. However had I not picked it up I wouldn't have understood Jesus teachings as I had.

What I have chosen through prayer and thought is that my spirit, personality, soul, and mind and this sickness I'm battling is occupying the same space. Much like the t.v., the couch, and the coffee table are all in the living room. I am affected by what is in my environment. To say that I have nothing, that I'm not "claiming it" isn't reality to me. It makes me feel crazy. Something is here with me. I am acknowledging that fact. That's real to me. That makes sense in my natural mind.

In my spiritual mind. I believe in healing. I also see hundreds of people in the world who aren't healed in an instant and to me that is OK. No devil is occupying their space. No darkness is living with them. Has anyone thought of how that makes a person feel or think when these things are said? Of course bible stories have spiritual truths in them but I believe people skip them. I don't think they see and understand on the level that it takes to really truly and effectively change and impact someone's life.
People often take each story literally and then apply them to others lives not understanding that when you do not use these stories correctly they can do damage. So while it is important to take responsibility over your own healing, it is also important to be aware of others feelings, state of mind, and spiritual walk when attempting to help them.
Often times I've found listening helps more than anything. Being there is enough. Offering a service assist in getting well.

My truth. I'm living in the same body as an illness. It has effected my way of life. I would like to be healed. However people get sick everyday. I do believe its part of earth, its part of nature because one thing the bible does say that death worketh in us. In our bodies. It doesn't mean I'm dying today. It only means that this body will not be in a state of perfection everyday or any day of my life...... Our fleshly bodies do not live forever. Our spirits do. I do also believe that often times we may not be healed because contrary to popular belief God's will could be something very different than we think it is. He's loving. He's also not superman. He's not saving the day every time a villain comes along. We are responsible for ourselves in this earthly realm. Everything I can do to make sure I'm healthy is up to me! Instructions have already been given. So its my part to use this opportunity, YES, this OPPORTUNITY, to get it right. To do what I can on my end to make sure I'm healthy.

My healing is deeper than surface bodily healing. I think if any glory God will get from this its my ability to still hold on to his unchanging hand as I battle this condition. If he gets glory its in the fact that I gained spiritual nuggets and became closer to him as I continue on this journey. I'd rather grow from this than present a miracle of healing that others will see but not understand. It's a sacrifice but its worth it. That others may know God at a greater capacity than they have ever before. So that people may know truth deeper than they've ever known it. I'd rather do that than be a walking miracle that others will forget within a month.

Everyone deals with problems different. I choose to be realistic. It saves me the mysterious, smokey filled room in which I have to comb through riddles. I like to see it for what it is. I like to face the mountain head on. I like to fight through it. I may win some. I may lose some. Ultimately however, I believe having done the work, I can be a better human being. I will also have made a difference in the lives of others. Impacting them on a greater level.

Many people miss it. Many people don't understand that following God and honoring him isn't in the glitz and glamour. It isn't in the demonstration of power. True power is in love. We don't know that yet. Until we do, I don't believe we will know true power.



Message of Hope:

Dear Becomers know your truth.

I love you Becomers!!!!!!

An Anchor...

Everyday I am challenged. Everyday I can see the things that I am losing due to being ill. Everyday I see the obstacles placed in my way. I am tested.

Two days ago a friend and I were discussing how I am missing so many days from work now since I've been having these not-diagnosed flare-ups. I begin to tell her that it sucks not being able to work.

Another  friend of mine spoke to me about using this opportunity to see what else God has in store for me.
I have heard of others having significant career changes after developing an illness. I wanted to go full force with mine. I wanted to work until I couldn't work anymore. As a matter of fact, I did not want to have to stop working at all. I was determined to find a way to make it happen.

See after developing Trigeminal Neuralgia (facial nerve pain) in October, I sat in class unable to speak. I wrote on a piece of paper to communicate with my professors. In December I pushed through and by the end of the term I could talk but I also completed my classes. I completed all of my courses for my degree. YAY!

My degree paved the way for me. In February I joined a company that held the same ideals, the same principles, the same purpose that I had been dreaming of for years. I've been working with at risk, low income youth for the past 3 months. I love going in and seeing their faces light up. I enjoy assisting in teaching them correct behavior. I appreciate hearing them share their stories with me. It's a joy to have them around.

Fast forward to today, before my complete 90 days I've had to take a month off from work. Not only is the illness not official, it is also unpredictable. So working makes no sense. But I've tried it for the last three weeks unsuccessfully. Either I'm there unable to give my all or I'm not there at all.

So as you can imagine I felt like everything was being taken away. Even my ability to financially provide for my household.
However, the friend I first mentioned above spoke some words to me that not only resonated within me but they ANCHORED my soul.
I'd been looking and praying for an anchor. I'm  a firm believer in having something to "hold on to". If I don't have that one thing in my life that I can hold on to, that I can say keeps me secure, I won't be any good to anybody. Surely I won't be good to myself. Its because that anchor keeps me from just floating about at sea while uncertainty is walking around my ship.

When in my mind I have no idea what is going on or why it is happening an ANCHOR keeps me steady. Gives me something to go back to. I need it.

What anchored me the other day was being reminded that even if I'm not working there it doesn't mean I don't have purpose. It doesn't mean that I've been stripped of everything. I began to feel as if this illness was taking everything away from me. I started to see things being taken away at every turn and I'm saying "God what did I do to deserve this".

It has been a scary and lonely place. Many days alone with my thoughts. Wondering about my future. Wondering who will be there with me if anything drastic happens. Again, its unpredictable.

But Oh to be Kept By Jesus, as Shirley Caesar says..... its nothing like being reminded why you are here in the first place. If it had not been for purpose I would not be typing this letter to the masses. I would not be sharing any gift or talent because I would  not have known who I was or why I was here. I prayed long and many nights before I understood my gifting. Now that I understand I have to remember on days like this that I possess gifts. I have to remember that I have them to be used. I have to remember that even on hard days that I'm still useful.

Oh to be kept by Jesus!

Each day now I focus on the ultimate goal. I focus on my dream. I focus on what it will take to get that done. I remember that yes there's an illness now housing this body with me, yet, I must go on. I must move forward. I must make lemonade!

Message of hope:

When you feel down and out, uncertain, afraid, and like you have nowhere to go. Remember that you have a purpose beyond any illness, circumstance, or issue of life. Which means that despite it all you can still be in pursuit of that which you have been given to fulfill on this earth. I believe that I'll do an even greater work because of the sacrifice I've made to push forward while this illness is here with me. I'll serve greater people because of this. I"m anchored mostly by hope. It grounds me. It lets me know that no matter what the lights are still on, I'm not in complete darkness. As long as the light is on I can always find my way home. Keep the faith becomers! We have  ways to go..... but its not as far off as it sometimes seem. Keep the light on! Stay Anchored.

When I Don't Feel Good.

It's hard explain to others the amount of dis-ease and discomfort you feel when dealing with illness.

Someone calls at nine o'clock and ask how I am. I may be ok in the sense that the pain isn't totally present, my toes aren't being stung by bee's st the moment, and my legs don't feel like I have been burned by an iron. By nine thirty I'll be in that very state.

Life has been unpredictable. Can you imagine the stress of waking up feeling fine and then all of a sudden fatigue sets in. You just want to lay your head down until the fog clears. You may eat or double check to see if you have taken your meds. You battle in your mind about pushing hard versus resting. You have to choose to lay down or keep pushing. Both of them may cost you.

Each day is a different day. I feel good in my soul. My attitude is positive but my body feels weighed down and sluggish. I move very slowly and I don't worry about what others have to say. In those moments I have to endure this. I have to swallow this pill. I have to fight.
And it's hard.

This morning I woke up fine. Within two hours of being awake I feel terrible. I have pulled the covers over me. I decided to write my frustrations. Now because my head feels as if my brain is floating inside of it I'm going to rest.

To my butterflies. Even on hard days work to relate to others and inspire. It's where growth happens.