A few months ago, I secured two part time jobs, I was so sure that this would be a great addition to my current income. Today I'm not so sure.
All summer my attitude was energetic, happy, and ready for the world. Today I'm not so sure.
I'm facing difficulties on my way to becoming, Butterflies, and it's hard. Have you ever been in that place where you future looks bright, you are always told that great things are ahead of you, and then you find yourself in that spot where it doesn't look so great?
I'm feeling like I'm at the end of the tunnel, the light, I can see it, but somethings obscuring my view. It's this feeling that I've walked through all of this darkness to arrive to a light that I can't touch. An end I can't see.
I always felt bad for Moses, who walked in the wilderness with such stubborn people only to get to the promise land, see it, and not be able to cross over in it. How dissappointing was that? To see the vision he'd been told of but not be able to experience it. He beheld it's beauty but couldn't touch it. In this story I'm sure going to heaven, being taken up by God was such a glorious experience.
Here in my time though, I don't think God will be catching me up anytime soon. (I don't know anyone's day or hour). I do believe God has plans for me on this earth. I do believe my life means something to this world. I have to use that energy up right!
But somehow I find myself in these places, you know. Maybe my past is catching up with my future. The choices I made way back when, or even a few months ago before things started going well, maybe those consequences are catching up with my current vision. I can't live with past mistakes right now though. I have to find a way to get to that light. I can't go back. I can't stomach it.
Question: How?
These are answers I ask people who've endured and who've made it. right now I suppose it was their hard work, their tireless days, and their sheer determination. I feel so disconnected right now, like I've been dealt a blow and I'm trying to re-orient myself with the world I'm in. I'm trying to find that fight when it feels as if my resources are being stolen.
It's like trusting God all the way through, and then he leaves you in the midst of the fight. It's like wait God, you said trust you, and then you dip! 0_o
You leave me, you take your hand off of me, you disappear and I'm lost. My end is right there in sight, I can't just walk to it, the obstacles haven't left, what do I do?
Fear causes you to scream out for help. When it looks as if this external things is to great of a thing for you, you scream help. Sometimes it seems no one can hear you. It can be sad....
Yet I still believe because believing is what got me this far.
So I'm walking with my head up. I'm praying all the way through. I know he's not completely gone,but I need to navigate this, I need to use the tools he taught me along the way and figure this out. It feels like he's playing a trick on me. Like I opened the wrong door, thinking it was the right one... but it's okay.
I'm no quitter. This process has surely built me into a stronger woman. I've seen the ugliest of days, I can't go back there so I'm pursuing the prettiest!
Butterflies I can't say this enough, NEVER GIVE UP HOPE.
If you quit, we all quit, and well we need us in the world.
We can't keep giving up, settling, and taking the crap life throws at us. We have to keep pushing. Who will tell our story?
In a war, whose remembered?
The people that won! The people that led the army to victory! The regiment that stuck together and fought til the death. Even if we died, came to the end of all of our efforts, let us die in victory because the next life or the new venture we try will be NEWNESS and LIGHT! And we start again. At least when you start over, you've gained your battle scars and you know what to expect.
DON'T GIVE IN, AND NEVER GIVE UP!
Good day butterflies!
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