Today my living situation isn't what I dream of at all. Today I am fighting depression. Today I am reading quotes, scripture, praying, venting, talking, and hoping all in the same token. I am trying, working, worrying, and attempting to cope.
I am the closest I've been to having nothing and I guess in and through this experience I am also gaining more than I would have through any sermon, seminar, or lecture. Wisdom that comes from experience is priceless, can't be bought, is valuable, and worth the experience.
It doesn't make the experience any easier though. It brings into question everything you stood for. It causes you to notice the things you will and will not do for the sake of the ones you love and for your own self-interest. It causes you to take a look at your own humanity, who you are and who you could be. It makes you cry and gasp for air at the choices you've made in response to hardened pressure. Causing you to go outside of your moral code in order to survive. Some psychologist have it right, our most primitive function is survival. If we have done that, then we are successful.
It matters to me, the manner in which I survive.
As a child growing up I wanted to be a teacher. I wanted to teach math. I looked at my elementary school teachers and I loved their warm smiles, and their non-judgmental attitudes toward me. They were pretty, and seemed very confident. I wanted to be that for people around me. They served as a basis for my journey into who I am today.
In my dreams as a child, I never imagined the place that I am in now.
Forgive me for being obscure but I can't bare all at this moment, I can only give snippets. You may draw your own conclusion but for now, its just "a situation".
My frustration with this situation: Many people keep saying, "It'll be alright". "You are going to be okay". and so on and so on.....
I understand these are words of comfort that everyone uses to try and help in a situation they don't understand themselves. The hope is, that everything will be okay, that your life will go back to some form of normal, and that you will not feel the pain of this thing again. That is the hope.
Our hopes are always to get better, to beat cancer, to eradicate hunger, to eliminate homelessness, some form of something better than the dying world we see around us. It's a sad fact that sometimes things don't get better. For that reason I think people always hope for the best even if the circumstances could get worse.
For me, I'd rather someone just listen. Someone to just talk with me about real solutions versus someone trying to encourage me on a situation they may have experienced but not in the form that I have. I'd rather someone give moral support, a hug, or LISTEN, instead of tell me how good God is and how he'll never forsake me. Especially in a moment where I may feel forsaken.
Just be real with me. Just show me the truth, that is comfort for me. At least I can look at truth and gauge whether I'll make it, or what I have to fight against to make it. With false hope, I can't grasp what I'm dealing with. It further complicates the matter. Causing me to be more confused, stripping away the faith that I do have, limiting my options to one avenue of thought.
I need truth as it is right now.
I don't want future tense. I understand today, in the present, that if I focus on a particular path, do the work to get there, most likely that is where I will be. I have witnessed that each time I set my intentions to get something done. It happens. I know that if I want something I will do whatever it takes to get it. I do know that. I have faith in my ability. I have faith in the notion that with God all things are possible.
I also believe that if God would have me endure suffering to learn a valuable life lesson then that is an option as well and it is not something I can ignore, or dodge.
Many people get scared here. They run to church, scripture, faith, and blame every "bad" incident that happens in their lives on the devil. I can't do that for a few reasons, one of them being I have to accept reality. I have to accept that bad things do happen to good people. That I am not exempt from health scares, poverty, my car breaking down, or anything of that nature no more than a con artist is of becoming a billionaire. Whether we are just or unjust we get the same portion. Nothing escapes us. Secondly, I don't like feeding the energy of darkness. I purposely think positive as much as possible and I do not speak on the devil or negative energy at all. It bothers me to my core when I hear people say " the devil is busy". Well wait if God or good is the ultimate supreme being why would darkness even matter? It doesn't equate nor does it fit in. So I give it little to no energy. I feed that which I want to grow.
So back to how to help me and others through hard situations; instead of someone saying it'll be okay, say I'm here when you need me. Be that support without someone having to ask. Come forward without someone bidding you to come. Give without having to be asked. Hug someone without being invited through tears.
People need people. We desperately need each other. When we close ourselves off, we do it to the detriment of others. We are too independent and not interdependent enough in our thinking. My strength may be enough for the next person to continue on in their journey of life. Without the sharing of my story, someone else could extinguish the life and energy they were blessed with, prematurely ending dreams and purpose. Possibly ending the life line to someone else in need.
We need each other.
I can't say each day throughout my journey that I've been beautiful in the sense that my smile is on point, that my manners and attitude have always carried that floral scent, but I have done my best to reach that level of beautiful.
I have cried in the late night when my kids are asleep. I have asked God "why are you doing these things to me?" I have wondered at why is this happening to me. I couldn't fathom God punishing me, especially after I have confessed my sins and sought forgiveness, yet I would lie if I said it did not cross my mind along with several other possibilities of why this situation has come to me in this time of my life.
I'm trying to say that I have not been perfect. I am not perfect. I weather the storm with an attitude that says I'm making it. I can't lose!
Yet there are times when I worried about how I'd get to the winning side of this fight. I worried about getting so far behind that I can't pull myself back up. I've contemplated quitting. Giving up. Standing down. I have thought of these things.
I have to think of the possibilities of winning though. The end result of fighting hard. I have to consider that and I keep pushing.
Many of my friends have credited me with being inspirational, handling things gracefully, with a positive attitude, and with a "warrior spirit". I have grown to admire their kind words toward me and rely on them at times like these. They remind me of who I am.
Then there are times I've felt disgusted at the same words because I am not in the place I desire to be and how can I be such wonderful things and I have am not in the place I desire to be.
A book I am reading called This I Believe, tells the story of a woman who lost her husband before thanksgiving. He had fallen from the roof into the snow, and she could not come back to herself for a long time after that. She mentioned that some days she would wake up and different people would be shoveling her snow, or a friend would be cooking her dinner. She worried about being too lazy. Not doing enough to help herself after her husband died.
This story was great for me. She learned through her experience to be grateful and humble. That the help of others was what she needed to get through one of the toughest experiences she had ever encountered.
A quote I walked away with from that snippet of this lady's life is " I have been surprised to learn that there is incredible freedom that comes from facing one's worst fear and walking away whole. I believe there is strength in surrender."
So even after ranting and releasing, telling my story, what I relate to the most is accepting whatever love, gift, and support I can because it is in place for my healing. I pull from this to face my fear of needing people so that I can be whole. Surrendering to this process so that I can understand more about who I am. So that because of this humbling experience I can be more loving and compassionate toward others who are in need. I'm learning to be a little more patient but to keep doing the work. To keep my eyes ahead, to continue to focus on becoming. The end result will be just what I intend for it to be.
The end result is nothing short of successful. But first I must surrender.
-Sharhonda
