Through the Storm

No one could have ever told me a year ago that I would have been the sufferer of a rare but major chronic pain condition called Trigeminal Neuralgia.

I couldn't have foreseen it.

I don't think I would have believed it because the path I have been on is one of purpose and determination.

I don't think I ever envisioned something like this being a storm I'd have to PASS THROUGH in order to reach my divine destination.

When you picture in your mind the road it will take to get to your dream, you may see a few yield signs, yellow flashing lights, you may even think of some detours. How often do you think of a chronic condition being one of those flashing yellow lights?

This journey has been painful. It has been emotional. It has been tiring and outright exhausting.

My spiritual walk has been put on the line. What do I believe, who do I believe, and how are these faith principles working in my life right now?

I've been known to be a woman of faith. People hear me speak and automatically say, "I know you are a woman of God". I don't have to speak of my faith.

Right now in this moment, as a woman of faith, a woman who believes God to do the impossible through his earthly vessels (you and me), in this moment I am seeking God to find out why this is my current situation and what is it that I must gain through this experience.

My spirit says, there's something to gain. Something spiritual in nature. This experience will make something out of me that I had not fathomed before. I know it will.

When I first became sick. I was stronger in my opinion and what I stood for. It made me stand up within myself with less apologies. I'm still becoming.....

I have grown throughout my life, working to become a strong woman, like one I've seen before. Graceful but Mighty in Strength!

I have worked toward being this woman. She doesn't come without a price. She's costly. Money can't buy her.... its worth fades against her character. The world I'm not sure is ready for her... But she is coming.

I know now more than I have before, what this #TN journey means... its a revealing of who I am in Christ. In his consciousness, in his light, and more than anything in his love. It's a telling about his grace. It's a telling about what he looks like for real. Who better to understand Christ, than one who suffers and needs his touch.

Having never suffered you may not know him as I have learned him. I am not boasting... but giving my perception. The bible says we must die with him that we might live with him. Another scripture says I die daily.....

I think I'm somewhere on that path of spiritual rebirth and aliveness. I have to gain these nuggets of wisdom and I have to live upright.

I believe people may need me in a capacity that I can't quite fathom.

My prayer:

God use me. It's always been my prayer. It's what my life has been about. Purpose. His people. His love. His gracious love. In the most purest form that I can deliver it from this human body... I would like to give that to others.

I'm not perfect. I'd like to get close to it in spirituality as I can. Perfection meaning pure, unadulterated, clean, holy, and righteous, integral love and compassion.

I want to reach that high place. It goes deep and I believe my journey through illness is creating that space for me.

I haven't even began to bend to this journey yet as I should. I'm still caught in the emotions of it. It HURTS! Physically and emotionally the pain is deep.

But I know that God is with me, and if he's with me then he's leading and guiding me through this process. I must get it all before I can move on to greater.

It's spiritual.

I believe I'm going to get it.

My life has been set up in such a way that I will.

Through the storm Butterflies, don't get caught up in the pain. Pray your way through it. Gather all of the support you can from family and friends. Tell your story it will help keep you free. Love everybody even when you'd rather close the door and not love at all.

Through the storm LIVE.


-Sharhonda Kirksey

A New Me. A New Day.

Today I had an interview Becomers, and it was the most spiritually fulfilling interview I've ever encountered in my life. It was very unconventional, out of the box, and surprisingly pleasant.

My journey since my last entry in November 2014 has been as such: 

November 2014- Diagnosed with a "rare" chronic condition called Trigeminal Neuralgia

December 2014- Successfully completing my college courses toward my Bachelor of Arts in Psychology! YAYY!!!!

January 2015- Applying for at least 20 jobs until I had one call and ask me for an interview!

Another Yayy!!! :) 

So chronologically speaking my life has been interesting, but on the side of BECOMING, it has been more than interesting, it has been incredible. I have been like the butterfly coming out of its cocoon. It's like the butterfly seeing the brightness of the sun, and the many colors of the flowers and leaves around him as he sheds the shell of the cocoon he's lived in for so long. It's a metamorphosis indeed and I feel strong like iron inside, but loving as little girl attending to her baby brothers "boo-boo" at the same time. I'm tender but strong. I understand more of me. I'm standing up within myself, filling my body with my gracious and wonderful spirit. Even while there's more to be filled, I"m living and it feels good!  I could stand to have more filling but coming where I come from, I am happy that I'm filled almost to the brim.

In October I encountered a health scare that I briefly hit on in my Nov. 2014 post that forever changed me. I went into the doctor for what I thought was a wisdom teeth possibly pressing on or against a nerve causing unbearable pain. Such pain to where I could not eat solid foods. After enduring a wisdom tooth extraction, unbearable pain for 21 days, the inability to eat for 21 days, probably anywhere from 15 to 20 lbs lighter, and after several doctor visits, one of which was out of state, it was determined that my condition was beyond any type of toothache. 

I have a condition called Trigeminal Neuralgia. Google it to learn more about it, but in short a nerve that stems from behind the ears to the face is pinched or damaged and it causes severe pain in my face. Constant pain that Morphine, Tramadol, Lortab, or any other pain medication cannot fix. 

Enduring this for 21 days taught me my own strength, it taught me who my supporters and friends were, and it taught me how to fight for what is mine. 

After enduring these things I believe it birthed me into a higher sense of my self. The stronger, less insecure, faith filled, driven, and passionate side of me. 

I broke free from many inhibitions while being locked inside myself, because I could not talk either. I could only text my friends and family and send my husband text messages. I had to increase in inner strength because no one on the outside understood my dilemma and no one could fix it. I was alone on the inside. No one could be there for me but me in that moment. It grew within me a stronger more confident woman. No one can take that from me. 

It was a hard, scary 21 days. 

I'm in a place today where I appreciate my life. I believe in who I am. Maybe because it seemed as if I could lose the possibility of showcasing my talents and abilities. It pushed me into nurturing my gifts and believing in them at a greater capacity than I had before. 

I have always wanted to succeed. I was motivated by fear of losing it all. What if I could never talk again. How would I help kids in my community then? These are the questions I asked myself. Then I would say to myself, no matter what we (me and God) we will find a way! 

I was determined not to give up. 

All I know is that I had a moment where a switch turned on inside of me and I said no longer will I allow people to treat me any kind of way. No longer will I hide my gifts and hide behind the wall so that others don't have negative things to say. I determined in my heart that I would be strong in whatever position God saw fit to put me in. I also said to myself I would live up to the divinity within me. 

With a made up mind. With intentions set forth, I believe it is my time to fly. My time to show the world what I'm made of. Time to spread my beautiful butterfly wings and show the world what I have become! 

It's interesting because as I speak of BECOMING, I know that the buck doesn't stop here. I will have to continue to push and meet new challenges. However right now, I'm celebrating the progress. I've excelled in this area and interesting enough severe pain is what propelled me into my next phase of life. 

I'm blessed more than I can imagine and I feel it all in my soul! I'm close to perfect ;)

Message of hope: To those of you who are on your way to becoming, please don't give up. Don't give in. The hardships will come. It is life. It is a part of the way we grow. If you can look at your circumstances as stepping stones, as blocks, or challenges,  as anything but a dreadful obstacle, you will be able to move on to the next level. We move through storms, we don't stop in the midst of them and get stuck. If we did we'd always in the rain. That is not the life I believe God intended for us. So press forward! Your moment of BECOMING will arrive sooner than you think. God bless. 

-Sharhonda

I just want to release..... Becoming has been rough!

In October, I was faced with a serious health situation that has left me with a significant amount of anxiety. I will post my experience in detail concerning my health when I feel that I have gathered all I can from that experience, however in this post I'll only deal with my present day aggravations, hopes, and perseverance.

Today my living situation isn't what I dream of at all. Today I am fighting depression. Today I am reading quotes, scripture, praying, venting, talking, and hoping all in the same token. I am trying, working, worrying, and attempting to cope.

I am the closest I've been to having nothing and I guess in and through this experience I am also gaining more than I would have through any sermon, seminar, or lecture. Wisdom that comes from experience is priceless, can't be bought, is valuable, and worth the experience.

It doesn't make the experience any easier though. It brings into question everything you stood for. It causes you to notice the things you will and will not do for the sake of the ones you love and for your own self-interest. It causes you to take a look at your own humanity, who you are and who you could be. It makes you cry and gasp for air at the choices you've made in response to hardened pressure. Causing you to go outside of your moral code in order to survive. Some psychologist have it right, our most primitive function is survival. If we have done that, then we are successful.

It matters to me, the manner in which I survive.

As a child growing up I wanted to be a teacher. I wanted to teach math. I looked at my elementary school teachers and I loved their warm smiles, and their non-judgmental attitudes toward me. They were pretty, and seemed very confident. I wanted to be that for people around me. They served as a basis for my journey into who I am today.

In my dreams as a child, I never imagined the place that I am in now.

Forgive me for being obscure but I can't bare all at this moment, I can only give snippets. You may draw your own conclusion but for now, its just "a situation".

My frustration with this situation: Many people keep saying, "It'll be alright". "You are going to be okay". and so on and so on.....
I understand these are words of comfort that everyone uses to try and help in a situation they don't understand themselves. The hope is, that everything will be okay, that your life will go back to some form of normal, and that you will not feel the pain of this thing again. That is the hope.
Our hopes are always to get better, to beat cancer, to eradicate hunger, to eliminate homelessness, some form of something better than the dying world we see around us. It's a sad fact that sometimes things don't get better. For that reason I think people always hope for the best even if the circumstances could get worse.

For me, I'd rather someone just listen. Someone to just talk with me about real solutions versus someone trying to encourage me on a situation they may have experienced but not in the form that I have. I'd rather someone give moral support, a hug, or LISTEN, instead of tell me how good God is and how he'll never forsake me. Especially in a moment where I may feel forsaken.

Just be real with me. Just show me the truth, that is comfort for me. At least I can look at truth and gauge whether I'll make it, or what I have to fight against to make it. With false hope, I can't grasp what I'm dealing with. It further complicates the matter. Causing me to be more confused, stripping away the faith that I do have, limiting my options to one avenue of thought.

I need truth as it is right now.

I don't want future tense. I understand today, in the present, that if I focus on a particular path, do the work to get there, most likely that is where I will be. I have witnessed that each time I set my intentions to get something done. It happens. I know that if I want something I will do whatever it takes to get it. I do know that. I have faith in my ability. I have faith in the notion that with God all things are possible.
 I also believe that if God would have me endure suffering to learn a valuable life lesson then that is an option as well and it is not something I can ignore, or dodge.

Many people get scared here. They run to church, scripture, faith, and blame every "bad" incident that happens in their lives on the devil. I can't do that for a few reasons, one of them being I have to accept reality. I have to accept that bad things do happen to good people. That I am not exempt from health scares, poverty, my car breaking down, or anything of that nature no more than a con artist is of becoming a billionaire.  Whether we are just or unjust we get the same portion. Nothing escapes us. Secondly, I don't like feeding the energy of darkness. I purposely think positive as much as possible and I do not speak on the devil or negative energy at all. It bothers me to my core when I hear people say " the devil is busy". Well wait if God or good is the ultimate supreme being why would darkness even matter? It doesn't equate nor does it fit in. So I give it little to no energy. I feed that which I want to grow.

So back to how to help me and others through hard situations;  instead of someone saying it'll be okay, say I'm here when you need me. Be that support without someone having to ask. Come forward without someone bidding you to come. Give without having to be asked. Hug someone without being invited through tears.

People need people. We desperately need each other. When we close ourselves off, we do it to the detriment of others. We are too independent and not interdependent enough in our thinking. My strength may be enough for the next person to continue on in their journey of life. Without the sharing of my story, someone else could extinguish the life and energy they were blessed with, prematurely ending dreams and purpose. Possibly ending the life line to someone else in need.

We need each other.

I can't say each day throughout my journey that I've been beautiful in the sense that my smile is on point, that my manners and attitude have always carried that floral scent, but I have done my best to reach that level of beautiful.

I have cried in the late night when my kids are asleep. I have asked God "why are you doing these things to me?" I have wondered at why is this happening to me. I couldn't fathom God punishing me, especially after I have confessed my sins and sought forgiveness, yet I would lie if I said it did not cross my mind along with several other possibilities of why this situation has come to me in this time of my life.

I'm trying to say that I have not been perfect. I am not perfect. I weather the storm with an attitude that says I'm making it. I can't lose!
Yet there are times when I worried about how I'd get to the winning side of this fight. I worried about getting so far behind that I can't pull myself back up. I've contemplated quitting. Giving up. Standing down. I have thought of these things.
I have to think of the possibilities of winning though. The end result of fighting hard. I have to consider that and I keep pushing.

Many of my friends have credited me with being inspirational, handling things gracefully, with a positive attitude, and with a "warrior spirit". I have grown to admire their kind words toward me and rely on them at times like these. They remind me of who I am.

Then there are times I've felt disgusted at the same words because I am not in the place I desire to be and how can I be such wonderful things and I have am not in the place I desire to be.

A book I am reading called This I Believe, tells the story of a woman who lost her husband before thanksgiving. He had fallen from the roof into the snow, and she could not come back to herself for a long time after that. She mentioned that some days she would wake up and different people would be shoveling her snow, or a friend would be cooking her dinner. She worried about  being too lazy. Not doing enough to help herself after her husband died.

This story was great for me. She learned through her experience to be grateful and humble. That the help of others was what she needed to get through one of the toughest experiences she had ever encountered.

A quote I walked away with from that snippet of this lady's life is " I have been surprised to learn that there is incredible freedom that comes from facing one's worst fear and walking away whole. I believe there is strength in surrender."

So even after ranting and releasing, telling my story, what I relate to the most is accepting whatever love, gift, and support I can because it is in place for my healing. I pull from this to face my fear of needing people so that I can be whole. Surrendering to this process so that I can understand more about who I am. So that because of this humbling experience I can be more loving and compassionate toward others who are in need. I'm learning to be a little more patient but to keep doing the work. To keep my eyes ahead, to continue to focus on becoming. The end result will be just what I intend for it to be. 

The end result is nothing short of successful. But first I must surrender. 

-Sharhonda

Les Brown... GET PAST YOUR FEARS

A Must Watch!



Take Care Butterflies! Continue Becoming......

Uncertainty...

A few weeks ago, on my way to becoming a Graduate I was so sure of my completion of my degree. Today I'm no longer so sure.
A few months ago, I secured two part time jobs, I was so sure that this would be a great addition to my current income. Today I'm not so sure.
All summer my attitude was energetic, happy, and ready for the world. Today I'm not so sure.

I'm facing difficulties on my way to becoming, Butterflies, and it's hard. Have you ever been in that place where you future looks bright, you are always told that great things are ahead of you, and then you find yourself in that spot where it doesn't look so great?

I'm feeling like I'm at the end of the tunnel, the light, I can see it, but somethings obscuring my view. It's this feeling that I've walked through all of this darkness to arrive to a light that I can't touch. An end I can't see.

I always felt bad for Moses, who walked in the wilderness with such stubborn people only to get to the promise land, see it, and not be able to cross over in it. How dissappointing was that? To see the vision he'd been told of but not be able to experience it. He beheld it's beauty but couldn't touch it. In this story I'm sure going to heaven, being taken up by God was such a glorious experience.

Here in my time though, I don't think God will be catching me up anytime soon. (I don't know anyone's day or hour). I do believe God has plans for me on this earth. I do believe my life means something to this world. I have to use that energy up right!

But somehow I find myself in these places, you know. Maybe my past is catching up with my future. The choices I made way back when, or even a few months ago before things started going well, maybe those consequences are catching up with my current vision. I can't live with past mistakes right now though. I have to find a way to get to that light. I can't go back. I can't stomach it.

Question: How?

These are answers I ask people who've endured and who've made it. right now I suppose it was their hard work, their tireless days, and their sheer determination. I feel so disconnected right now, like I've been dealt a blow and I'm trying to re-orient myself with the world I'm in. I'm trying to find that fight when it feels as if my resources are being stolen.

It's like trusting God all the way through, and then he leaves you in the midst of the fight. It's like wait God, you said trust you, and then you dip! 0_o
You leave me, you take your hand off of me, you disappear and I'm lost. My end is right there in sight, I can't just walk to it, the obstacles haven't left, what do I do?

Fear causes you to scream out for help. When it looks as if this external things is to great of a thing for you, you scream help. Sometimes it seems no one can hear you. It can be sad....

Yet I still believe because believing is what got me this far.

So I'm walking with my head up. I'm praying all the way through. I know he's not completely gone,but I need to navigate this, I need to use the tools he taught me along the way and figure this out. It feels like he's playing a trick on me. Like I opened the wrong door, thinking it was the right one... but it's okay.
I'm no quitter. This process has surely built me into a stronger woman. I've seen the ugliest of days, I can't go back there so I'm pursuing the prettiest!

Butterflies I can't say this enough, NEVER GIVE UP HOPE.
If you quit, we all quit, and well we need us in the world.

We can't keep giving up, settling, and taking the crap life throws at us. We have to keep pushing. Who will tell our story?
In a war, whose remembered?
The people that won! The people that led the army to victory! The regiment that stuck together and fought til the death. Even if we died, came to the end of all of our efforts, let us die in victory because the next life or the new venture we try will be NEWNESS and LIGHT! And we start again. At least when you start over, you've gained your battle scars and you know what to expect.

DON'T GIVE IN, AND NEVER GIVE UP!

Good day butterflies!

Encouraging YOU. Encouraging MYSELF.

Today as I type... I'm in my feelings.
You would think that after all I've been through, all that I've seen, I've endured, persevered through, and made up my mind about... You would think that this moment would be something I pushed through with great might and strength!
Well I'm in my feelings. I thought of my blog, the encouragement of random people deriving from my everyday experiences, and I smiled. I'm inspired when I inspire.
It makes me happy. It gives me peace and it reminds me that I'm worth something. I am of value. I am a tree.
I want you all to be encouraged as I encourage myself. We are shaken, tossed about, thrown away, made to think we are less than, and we are torn down but only, ONLY, to be built back up again. Only to be reconfigured into something greater.
Think of it as a computer, downloading updates, being reconfigured, made to manifest better actions than before. We are becoming greater through our struggles.
We must learn, or take that update.
I think of how many times my computer says "installing updates", "postpone or shut down".
Depending on what I'm doing at the moment I hardly ever shut down when the update is ready. I wait until I'm ready.
I never know the validity of that update though. I never know what it's going to help my computer do.
We never know what a trial will do for us. We always see it as a upset in our plans. We never grab hold of the trial and fly with it. We fight against it often times until we are shut down, until we can postpone no longer.
What I'm going through at this present moment is huge in my eyes, but with the guidance of Spirit I think it's not as huge as I think it is. My commitment is crucial. I see light at the end of the tunnel but when the trial becomes tough I want to leave. I have to fight that feeling to give up. It's quite easy. It has it's consequences to though. We have to think of the greatness that comes from enduring metamorphosis. We have to think about what our end will look like.
We have to think of how it will feel to have fought and won!
We also may need to know what it feels like to have fought for something and lose.
Either way, we are getting updated.

Shutting down isn't bad. It's like sitting still long enough, thinking through it long enough, and listening long enough to get the lesson out of situation.
Sometimes people hate to hear something bad about themselves, as if it's the end of the world. We deny our mishaps, and sins. We pretend it's everybody else that needs updating and not us.

Everybody else needs to have "several seats" but not us.
But you sin, I sin. You make wrong choices that hurt people. I do too. You give up on something that you have control over. I have too. It doesn't make you any less of a person.

Stand up anyway and push on through and see what the end will be.

I listened to an Alicia Keys song today, Why am I here?
Great song.
It brought tears to my eyes. I've asked myself that question on lowly days like today.
It's a reminder that I'm here for you.
With all the things going on in the world, it can't only be about my struggle. It's about the everyone's struggle, hurt, and pain.
You can't believe that you are the only one. Sometimes people persevere through things for others, to show them that you can do it too.

I remember Tina Campbell and her journey through adultery played out before the media. She was strong. Some people thought she was a fool. I saw redemption and mercy in rare form. I saw the ability to see that people are able to choose out of their brokenness and in return hurt someone else. It doesn't mean that you abandon them.
 Maybe that's why we don't admit our mistakes, we are afraid of being abandoned.

Of course her husband had to show and prove his faithfulness but what I'm getting at here is the love for yourself and for others. If you can love yourself through, love others through it, I think it'll make it easier for you to get through whatever you may be facing that day.

No one is perfect. Being perfect is not  requirement for success. You can have success, of course you'll have to take those updates and quit putting them off, but ask yourself who do you know that is perfect in every way?
God please stand up! Right....

Today I'm loving myself in spite of people, circumstances, and my ability to downgrade myself when God is clearly trying to give me some updates.

Be blessed my butterflies!

Since the last time....

Since the last time I posted I was finding myself back at one. Back to the first thing that ignited passion and a thirst within me that couldn't be quenched. The first thing. Since the last time I wrote I feel absolutely alive. I feel good. I feel lighter, and I feel accomplished. I have not reached the climactic point of my journey but I'm feeling the pleasure of getting there. I have definitely hit some mile markers that says I'm closer that I've ever been.
It's amazing and I'm in love. I'm in love.
I'm that tree. I'm aware of my "loathsome" body and the beautiful shade that people like to sit under. I'm aware of both and I see how they work together to create who I am.
Along this journey, I'm learning that we lose our way. We do attempt to fill in the blanks when things are quiet, when things aren't moving fast enough, when things don't seem to go to plan WE start to fill in the blanks.
A quote from a book I'm currently reading said, "when we make a choice, we are also choosing our consequence".
When we choose to fill in the blanks, we also chose to detour from our original route to accommodate for our feeling that we aren't good enough, that we aren't going to make it happen, we fill in the gaps of our doubts instead of waiting patiently and going with the flow. Even if the flow is slow. The pace will pick up sooner or later but for right now just be still.
I'm in the middle of silence right now. I actually love it. I hate when it's interrupted. I want to hear what God is saying, I want to feel the peace of nothingness and everything all at the same time. I want to enjoy this moment because its going to get busy again and I may not visit this place as often as I should. I'll probably come here in a deep sigh or longing memory of what it's like but it may be a minute. I need to fix that........ right. I'm still becoming.
But I love it here. I picked up this book and I'm reading it and I'm feeling great and my future is more promising. This book is helping me through the silence.
 Another quote from the book talks about easy journey's.
I watch my kids, they opt for easy journey's. Things always seem better if mom does it. The truth is if I always do it, they won't grow.
If becoming was easy, fast, immediate, without strife, heartache, or trouble we wouldn't grow. We wouldn't become in the fashion that we desire. And what we become would be so maimed, handicapped, disabled, and broken because we didn't do the work necessary for a successful emergence into the world. I've seen a butterfly broken, hopping along the ground, trying to flap its wings but unable to fly. It is a butterfly but unable to function as one. 

We can find ourselves in that place if we don't go through the hardships it takes to grow.
You will make mistakes. But think of the consequence you are choosing for yourself when you make hasty decisions.
After the decision is made and the damage has been done its another hard thing you will have to go through. If you have any control over your destiny, your path, the way in which you desire to live, then make choices that give healthy consequences. We will not always get it right but we can get ourselves on the right path by appreciating the silent days, and purposely accepting the challenges that life brings. It's for your good. It doesn't feel like it. It hurts something serious. It makes you want to quit but I've never seen a bodybuilder become all that he is without the aches and pains radiating through his muscles. I've never seen a teacher become all she has without the student who refuses to learn or can't learn. I've never seen a preacher be all that he can be without a sinner in the midst that seems impossible to reach. For those reasons I dare to go forward. Because of the one's unable to be reached, I push forward. For the challenge.....

I saw a photo once of a homeless lady, it was photographed beautifully. How could someone's tragedy be beautiful in my eye's? Hope.
The reality of our world and the hope of our future.

Message of Hope:
Don't give up. Don't take the easy way out. Don't get distracted when you are in silence. Embrace it. Your time will come and you'll emerge a beautiful butterfly.